Be What They Don’t Want You to Be

By Concentric Therapist Christian Younginer, LCPC, NCC

“There's no earthly way of knowing

Which direction we are going

There's no knowing where we're rowing

Or which way the river's flowing

Is it raining, is it snowing?

Is a hurricane a-blowing? - uh!

Not a speck of light is showing

So the danger must be growing

Are the fires of Hell a-glowing?

Is the grisly reaper mowing?

Yes! The danger must be growing

For the rowers keep on rowing

And they're certainly not showing

Any signs that they are slowing!”

-Roald Dahl

In only 2 months there have been unconscionable shifts, worries, grief, and desecration. We’re drowning in more news than we could ever hope to process. So the murky mantra of “stay informed” keeps us glued to news and media. Born out of passion, fear, and indignation this mantra is a tricky one. It condenses down to a simple question:

How do I stay informed without spiraling?

Simply put, humans aren’t meant to know the opinions of thousands and thousands of people. It’s too much. Bellowing, personal attacks, and the derision of every person who ever held a thought on a matter exists for my consumption. Feasts of outrage, buffets of righteousness. The news self-selects for such outrage and fires it at us like a firehose. Sadly, this post could’ve been simpler before all this started, but now the firehose contains very real threats to long-held beliefs about how the world worked and the defilement of once unalienable rights.

The grisly Reaper makes headline after headline, sowing calamity and malignance into our already stressful days. He certainly shows no signs of slowing and the yes-men keep on rowing towards what feels like devastation. We could call it alarmist if only the alarms weren’t already screaming. And the comment section’s growing and shows no signs of slowing and the danger must be growing because the reaper keeps on crowing that the line we must be toeing bends backward into what we hoped was history. 

So we put on our waders and stand, chest deep, in the floodwaters of news media, looking to stay abreast of executive orders, bills, and other sins. We believe it's the best that can be done in the face of such powerlessness and helplessness. But what happens when reassurance-seeking isn’t working and it’s 2am and we’re 100 comments deep in a Reddit thread on today’s fresh hell? 

More information isn’t always reassuring. The reason is that news is an idempotent process. That is, further repeated action brings no change. Reading the news over and over brings no new information. Once we’ve learned a piece of information, leave the source and sit with it. Only when new information is released can we then learn something new. 

It is imperative we discern the point at which our information-seeking becomes reassurance-seeking. 

The point between when we’ve learned something, and then we return to another source to hear it put a different way, or a comment section where it’s retold 50 different ways, shellacked in bias, all with the exact same information we already had. It’s called doomscrolling for a reason.

Yes, alternative perspectives and educated deciphering of complex topics are important. Seek them out, but remain watchful for yourself. Look out for those signs you may be seeking reassurance rather than information. 

When you find you’re hitting that point, don’t turn to your phone for reassurance, turn to people. 

Real people. People you can hug, see, cry with, scream with. Skip the comment section. Read bell hooks. Write your anger down to keep it from corroding you. Listen to music that gives you power. Read poetry. Write poetry. Protest. Be vulnerable. Scream. Read Bertrand Russell. Love unrelentingly. Learn self-defense, then scream again that you even have to. Read Octavia Butler. Protect the identities of endangered people. Be what they don’t want you to be. 

And when your nervous system feels shot from mere existence, listen to it. Take breaks. Prioritize stillness over productivity. Give yourself permission to produce less. Walk. Find beauty in the natural world. Learn how a grasshopper’s leg works. Savor. Go to therapy. Normalize slowness. Organize a cabinet. Read the Wikipedia page for Bread. Play. Invite friends over for soup. Breath deeply. Rest. Read Tara Brach. Grow plants. 

It is as if the world has grown dark. But it is my hope that we can find our own way through the dark with whatever lights us. If you don’t know what this is, let’s find it through therapy. Perhaps finding your light can brighten another’s world too.

Maybe newspapers had it right. I’m going to try reading the news once per day and leaving it at that. Because there may be no way of knowing which direction we are going, and the grisly Reaper may keep mowing. And I know my privilege is showing, but I need to keep on going - to help those I can. 

Heal!

By Concentric Counselor Jordan Perlman, LPC, NCC

The following post is based on the documentary "Heal", Written, Directed, and Produced by Kelly Noonan Gores and Produced by Adam Schomer. "Heal" can be streamed on Netflix and/or iTunes or purchased on DVD or book from www.healdocumentary.com.

What If Mind Over Matter Is True?

Contrary to what many of us have been told, the latest science supports the belief that we are far from victims of unchangeable genes. We can control our health and life by taking a holistic approach to healing. One that remembers just how intelligent the body is and the way our thoughts, emotions, and beliefs affect our overall health. Therefore, healing begins in the mind and can be extremely complex and deeply personal. To treat oneself, one needs to get to the root of what caused the imbalance in the first place.

According to Joan Borysenko, Ph.D., "90% of what takes people to the doctors is stress-related illnesses". "Stress" is a broad term and can be broken down into three primary sources, all of which can knock our brain and body out of balance:

• Physical (accidents, injuries, falls, physical traumas)

• Chemical (bacteria and viruses, hormones in food, heavy metals, hangovers, blood sugar levels)

• Emotional (family tragedies, loss, job, bullying, finances, emotional and sexual trauma, and neglect)  

Most interventions focus exclusively on physical and chemical sources of stress, leading doctors to overprescribe medications that treat the problem's symptoms without addressing the cause, which can often be emotional. A dependence on pharmaceuticals temporarily fixes the symptoms yet this approach neglects the root emotional cause. For many, this approach leads to the development of additional symptoms/diagnoses as a result of the untreated root imbalance. One way to combat this model's limitations is to focus on a holistic healing approach that emphasizes the internal environment that focuses on disease’s emotional causes. Therefore, every person is the architect of their healing and their destiny.

The Incredible Power of the Autonomic Nervous System

Our systems are incredibly smart and adaptive, and long ago, this primed us to face threats that we no longer meet in modern times. Although this function once served us well, it can cause us a bit of trouble in today's society. For example, the nervous system that once primed us for survival in the face of a Saber-Toothed Tiger looks more like an upcoming work meeting that we're anxious about or a fight with our partner. In either case, the untrained nervous system often can't tell the difference and releases Cortisol, Adrenaline, and Noradrenaline designed to mobilizes your energy to run away from and/or fight the predator. When that happens in response to incidents that don't require that level of response, we might be operating outside our windows of tolerance far more frequently than is sustainable.

According to Stem Cell Biologist and Author Bruce Lipton (Ph.D.), when you perceive a threat, your body activates the Adrenal System (fight or flight). Whether you're preparing for an exam or fighting off an attacker, the result is the same, and the Adrenal System is activated. When this starts in response to a relatively benign threat, often, it increases negative, disease-causing consequences. Over time, this chronically impairs your:

• Memory

• Concentration

• Digestion

• Elimination of toxins

• Immune system

This impairment is due to resources being mobilized from the gut, elimination system, immune system, and higher brain centers. The resources are reallocated into the muscles to fight/flight for your life, which is excellent when used in a true life or death situation. However, when this frequently happens, as a result of let’s say chronic stress, this can cause pH levels to rise. If pH levels are high, this leads to an acidic body. An acidic body causes inflammation that, in turn, destroys the body and causes disease. Therefore, it is vital to reduce stress in the body to reduce inflammation and reduce disease. 

The Placebo/Nocebo Effect on Healing

To access our full healing potential, we have to get our minds on board with the belief we can heal. One way to do this is to focus on creating tonic thoughts as tonic thoughts produce tonic chemicals, while toxic thoughts produce toxic chemicals. If we're not careful, our thoughts and beliefs can prevent us from healing even with the best medical intervention. Therefore, if I change my perception (the mind) and change my view about life (and healing), I change the signals adjusting the cells' function, which has enormous implications. 

Although the Placebo Effect is not entirely understood, a consensus assumes that our minds can control the body. The Placebo Effect relies on positive thinking or believing that an intervention can heal by being open to the possibility of getting better via a "treatment" without an actual chemical, physical intervention or remedy. Many have heard of the Placebo Effect (commonly discussed when looking at research). Yet, there is a lesser-known and equally influential phenomenon that also has the potential to alter your life, known as the Nocebo Effect.

The Nocebo Effect occurs from negative thinking, which can cause illness and disease and even cause death. As a result, the power of belief or "mind over matter", is almost everything. Whatever you are thinking and believing in a given moment, your immune system is either told to "stop working" because we have to respond to a stressor, or "everything is cool." In the first example, the Sympathetic Nervous System is activated and pulling resources from the body's other functions. The latter is a parasympathetic response, which puts the body in a mode ideal for rest/digest/healing; your beliefs toggle that switch.

The experience of Dr. Joe Dispenza illustrates an example of the incredible Placebo Effect in action (Read his full story here). In 1986, at the age of 23, Dr. Joe Dispenza was run over by an SUV while competing in a triathlon in Palm Springs, California, and was paralyzed. Instead of opting for the high-risk surgeries recommended to him by his doctors, he focused on using visualization to move his paralyzed limbs and imagined his shattered spine mending. By the power of his mind, Joe was able to make a full recovery, which further supports the notion that one's beliefs can shift biology. 

The Conscious/Subconscious Mind

The Placebo/Nocebo Effect also extends to Epigenetics, which tells us that our environment can select cells' genetic activity. Our beliefs affect our nervous system, and then our nervous system sends information about its environment. The cells adjust to interact with the world, which stems from consciousness, which is an interpretation of one’s perceived reality. Therefore, my mind is interpreting my environment; by changing the environment, or the perception of their environment, one can control their genetic activity. This takes people from a space of being victims of hereditary to a master of gene activity capable of creating a different reality. 

All of this sounds relatively simple, right? Wrong. The majority of this process is unconscious, which complicates things exponentially. We know that our Conscious Mind and our Subconscious Mind are two interdependent minds that work together. When the conscious mind is engaged in thinking, the subconscious mind is the autopilot's default program, carrying out whatever chore needs doing. The subconscious mind is comprised of downloading (mostly) other people's behaviors. Think of your Mother, Father, siblings, and community during the first seven years of your life when you're essentially a sponge to the world, absorbing other's patterns with little discretion. When our environment growing up is healthy, that's excellent news. However, that's not the reality for many who grew up with less than ideal upbringings.

Regardless of your situation, we all developed blueprints on coping and processing emotions based on what we saw growing up. For some, these memories may not have fully developed, leading to reexperiencing that unprocessed memory every time we get triggered as if it's happening for the first time. One can attempt to outrun the subconscious mind. Though to heal, it's crucial to face it, see the problem, and recognize the systems and stressors as meaningful and intelligent and necessary to wake us up to our patterns to choose a different way. These unconscious beliefs are often running our lives. By asking, "what is this pain or disease trying to tell me?" you can create space for answers to come (Pro-tip: you can use that trick with any thought, feeling, memory, behavior, and you might be surprised what might come up). Additionally, therapy can help make the unconscious conscious, helping release stuck energy trapped in the body via processing previously unprocessed emotions and memories. 

Factors Scientifically Proven to Contribute to Healing

So now that you know you're more in control of your healing than perhaps previously thought, what can YOU do about it? First and foremost, healing cannot occur while you're chronically operating in a state of Sympathetic Nervous System (fight/flight) activation. One must move into the Parasympathetic Nervous System (rest/digest) to heal. There are a variety of ways to do this, and some of them are listed below.

Meditation

Based on the research by Dr. Herbert Benson, meditation is said to "shut down fight or flight response and stimulate the parasympathetic (relaxing) nervous system of the body. Meditation has the potential to relieve stress, purify the mind, and purify consciousness. Meditation connects us to our core being or core consciousness (soul or Self). While in meditation, the Pituitary Gland releases Oxytocin, Dopamine, Relaxant, Serotonin, Endorphins when making a spiritual connection. It's an internal process that can switch on like a light switch when we take a moment to connect.

If meditation isn't your jam, try going for a walk in nature or another activity that shuts off your mind and causes breathing to slow to a feeling of unshakable peace. Even something as simple as imagining someone is sending you love, helping you, holding you, can help you heal. By visualization alone, your body releases Oxytocin which is associated with increased natural killer cells and increased white blood cells (which trigger an immune response) necessary for healing.

Support Systems

Surround yourself with people that provide support and love versus adding to your fear. For those in your life that contribute to fear, can you explore healthy boundaries to support more beneficial relationships? As tricky as relationships can be, humans are hard-wired for connection. It’s essential to establish and nourish healthy relationships with others.

Gratitude

Gratitude can help boost your immune system, cause feelings of happiness, and help you shift your world view; think Placebo Effect! When we learn lousy news, a common emotion is fear or sadness. Regardless of what is said, if you fear, a positive thought will never reach the body. Fear triggers fight/flight response in the brainstem, which takes our emotional state out of alignment and offline. Suppose you can change your emotional state into one of gratitude. In that case, you believe whatever you're grateful for has already happened. Primed with gratitude, when you say the thought or new belief, your body can receive it, and your body responds accordingly. The more we can feel the feeling as if the feeling is, our body is triggered to grow the nerve cells to make the connections to trigger the brain chemistry to reflect the healing.          

You might consider starting a gratitude practice. For some, this can look like writing down a few things you are grateful for each day. For others, you might pair mentally recalling things you're thankful for while doing an activity such as showering or brushing your teeth.

9 Healing Factors Associated with Radical Remissions 

Kelly Turner, Ph.D. (researcher, author) discovered in her research studying case studies and interviews from those around the world who experienced radical remissions from their illnesses, the nine key healing factors (listed below). Dr. Turner found radical remissions for every single type of cancer occurring in various stages. She found over 75 different things that people have tried to get well, though not everyone used all 75 factors. In her research, she discovered that everyone who got well used these 9 (note only 2 of the following are physical, the rest are mental, emotional, and spiritual):

1. Radically changing your diet

2. Taking control of your health

3. Following your intuition

4. Using herbs and supplements

5. Releasing suppressed emotions

6. Increased positive emotions

7. Embracing social support

8. Deepening your spiritual connection

9. Has a strong reason for living

Counseling

Specifically, to explore patterns (the way our thoughts, feelings, behaviors all influence each other) and shadow (subconscious) work. It's beneficial to have a trusted confidant outside your social network to: vent to, sort through feelings, identify unhealed wounds, process emotions in a healthy way, work to implement behavior changes, find healthier coping mechanisms, assess and enforce healthier boundaries, and help you identify areas where you can move from a space of surviving to thriving.

Conclusion

In conclusion, by doing different things, making other choices, getting beyond certain emotions, and overcoming limited thinking, more possibilities begin to open up. That's when magical things start to happen in a person's life. That tells us that seemingly incurable illnesses are reversible by focusing on the whole person and root causes of disease versus symptoms, which traditional Western medicine tends to focus on. Conventional medicine relies on the old belief system stating illness is tied to genetics and biochemistry, requiring prescriptions to treat these ailments. However, many believe that very few diseases are truly organic (as a result of genetics). The rest is due to the consequences of dealing with chronic stress. According to Dr. Deepak Chopra, medicine is useful in 10% of acute illnesses (physical traumas, emergency, injuries, infections). He recommends a holistic approach to treat chronic diseases (cancer, heart disease, auto-immune diseases. A holistic approach treats the mind, body, emotions, and energetic body, shifting your experience of mind, body, emotions. 

Remember, we regulate ourselves with the choices we make in our lives. Based on what we think, feel, believe, and specifically, the emotions we choose to respond to create what life brings us. It pays to make your mind a healthy place to be. 

Essential Workers & COVID: Time and Space for You

By Concentric Psychotherapist Kylie Cherpes, LCSW, MFT-IT, CYT

In times of great stress, such as now with the COVID-19 pandemic, we each find that we have our own unique way of getting through. Some people find comfort by burrowing in at home and disconnecting from constant reminders of their fears. Others juggle between caring for their vulnerable loved ones and carving out time to connect with the support that they themselves need. Some turn their stress into energy towards solving problems or creating something new. While others hit the ground running, called to serve their community. Though we are all under cumulative stress and doing our best to face changes in our day-to-day norms, some, such as Essential Workers, are being impacted exponentially. Essential Workers are being asked to do more and risk more, all while having less access to what would normally help them respond to and recover from their stress.  

Essential Workers continue their work in environments physically underprepared for a pandemic. In a time that feels precarious, Essential Workers are asked both to stay calm and to stay flexible while managing ever-changing recommendations on how to keep their workplace, selves, and families safe. They spend hours reading, learning, and preparing protocols and responses to “what-if” scenarios that breed uncertainty and anxiety. Even after all of the precautions they take, they wonder if it will be enough to keep their work-family safe. When they leave work to go home they find it hard to relax as guilt, worry, and fear about possibly carrying the virus home to their loved ones enters their mind. Though they may have reached for their family and friends for help, love, and reassurance before, it now seems too risky. Where they would go for support and stress relief before, like churches, gyms, bars, and social outings, are no longer options. And even when there is time for it, it is hard to get restful sleep. 

When unable to respond to stress, especially on-going (chronic) or traumatic stress, the body, mind, emotions, and spirit start to show wear and tear. Those under chronic stress may notice that raw feelings such as fear, anger, helplessness, and sadness seem to be lingering, or other common changes such as an increase in irritability, numbness, bitterness, or detachment (that “spaced-out” or “distant” feeling). Chronic stress can also show up as headaches, stomach aches, and muscle pain, or changes in appetite and sleep. Sometimes those under chronic stress may not even be the first to notice the impact it is having, but instead, those closest to them do. For instance, slips in memory or ability to recall information, mistakes at work that used to be uncommon, or shifts in hygiene and self-care regime may be noticed by work colleagues. Family and friends of those under chronic stress may see their loved one’s constant exhaustion, zoning out, adopting an abnormally cynical outlook on life, or lacking the ability to find pleasure in things they had once experienced as enjoyable. 

As therapists, we can close gaps in the care being offered to Essential Workers by providing access to the mental and emotional support they deserve. To support Essential Workers’ day-to-day functioning and healing, we hold space for them to process and release stress and trauma. Just as each Essential Worker has their own unique way of responding to their stress and trauma, each therapist has their own unique approach and is able to tailor care to each individual they work with. Whether it be brief or long-term, therapy is a safe place for self-expression and a secure place to find relief from fears, anxieties, anger, and sadness. Further, therapy is a place of creativity and strategy, used for building coping skills to reduce distress and restore feelings of stability and hope. 

At this time, we know that the Coronavirus is not going away anytime soon and that things may indeed get worse before they get better. We also know Essential Workers will continue to be asked to bear the brunt of this pandemic with limited space (time, resources, and support) to respond to their stress in their own unique ways. It is not an option to wait to address the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual needs resulting from the chronic and traumatic stress being endured by our Essential Workers. Unaddressed chronic and traumatic stress does not just go away, it accumulates. As therapists, we see the effects of these stressful days mounting on our Essential Workers, and we respond to say, “We are your Allies.”

Special Announcement: During April through May 2020, Concentric Counseling & Consulting is offering short-term telehealth and virtual video counseling to Essential Workers during these challenging times due to Coronavirus (COVID-19). We are all incredibly grateful for all that you do and we want to give back! You can use your health insurance for teletherapy. Also, for those who do not have insurance coverage or have certain insurance plans and have endured financial hardship due to the impact of COVID, we are offering sliding fee and pro bono to a limited number of Essential Workers.

How to Open a Door When Coronavirus is Closing our Doors

By Concentric Owner Jennifer Larson, LCPC, NCC

Originally posted in The Sounds newspaper, Volume 43, Number 15 on April 4, 2020 and later in published in the Illinois Mental Health Counselors Association (IMHCA), a division of Illinois Counseling Association (ICA), News Update. Click here.

You know the saying “When One Door Closes, Another Door Opens”? During this time, we can’t help to notice closed doors everywhere, from schools to restaurants to places of worship to retailers. Even our home doors are closed, keeping others away and containing us inside.  It may seem overly optimistic to think this quote holds true during this extraordinary and challenging time with COVID-19 knocking on everyone’s door.  Alarm bells are sounded within us daily, the threats are real and experienced by so many, and some of us feel our life has been hijacked.  So how can we during this time envision doors opening up or experience something positive from all of this? 

I am by no means suggesting doors are flying wide-open given the sheer number of doors that are literally closed and even locked. But, if you can take a moment to pause, focus and be intentional, you may find that you can open doors to otherwise missed opportunities. 

Psychotherapist and author Esther Perel states when faced with our own existential anxieties it can open the door to fully living.  Some of us may have been living life on auto-pilot depriving ourselves of certain reflections, experiences or opportunities. So, what does living fully exactly mean?

It can mean a lot of things, but to start, it can mean experiencing each moment and each day in the here-and-now noticing and appreciating all of life’s offerings. Perhaps you had been more disconnected from yourself, no longer appreciating your talents, thoughts, feelings and your body’s capabilities -- which you can now fully appreciate.  Or taking a moment to get out of your head to be fully present and connected with another person can offer you an opportunity to be transported, experiencing life through a different lens other than your own.  Also, fully activating your senses can bring about a subtle, yet powerful sense of fully living.  Consider next time you take a walk outside, notice all of your surroundings paying attention to each of your senses. Notice your positive feelings as you attune to your senses.  

Shawn Achor, an educator, researcher, and author, offers a number of research-based ways to live a happier life. One of them is to take a few minutes each day to write down 1 positive experience within the last 24 hours and provide 3 rich details about that experience. Also, write down your gratitudes, giving specific details.  And reach out to someone to fully express why you appreciate them.  We know giving to others not only makes us feel better, but helps the person on the receiving end feel happier too.

And last, what is something you can look forward to when the shelter-at-home Executive Order is lifted and you can bust out the sheltered seams?  Will it be something specific such as dining at your favorite restaurant?  A ritual or practice you will reacquaint with again?  For me, it will be telling myself “I get to go here or I get do this” which represents a door opening into seeing how choice and freedom are true gifts.

Better Understanding Grief & Loss→

By Concentric Counselor Jennifer Larson, LCPC, NCC

During the Spring of this year, I popped onto the Dear Abel and Sofi advice column for the first time and came across a story about a Firefighter’s struggle with grief & loss after he needed to leave the workforce due to injuries he sustained on the job. He was in the rebuilding stage and had recently turned his passion for woodworking into a small business that had been met with tireless effort and financial struggles. While this former firefighter shared his story and posed questions on the advice column, I could not help but see his intrinsic desire to connect with other people as he grieved and was rebuilding his life. Seeking connection, feedback, validation, and ideas from others was a part of this man’s grieving and recovery process.

Reading this story jogged my memory about a blog post I started in August 2018 (and didn’t finish) about grief & loss. At that time, I became re-enlightened about the additional types of grief & loss that exist, namely the loss of thoughtfully designed objects and structures in our country, and the unfortunate outcome this can have on social and human connectivity. I’ll touch upon that later in this blog post.

For many, grief & loss cannot exist without experiencing some form of connection with oneself or others, and rebuilding in the wake of grief & loss cannot exist without human connection. The firefighter's story made me think about my own grief & loss experiences felt during the earlier part of the year.  The flood of feelings and experiences that emerged from within me were great, and subsequently, I decided to really reach out to others.      

During my grief & loss earlier this year, I allowed myself to feel and accept my grief by intentionally creating space and capacity to feel a myriad of feelings.  I also reached deep within to try to understand the messages, gifts, and lessons in my losses. Reaching out to family, friends, my therapist, and colleagues granted me the opportunity to take care of myself and to feel their heartfelt and unwavering support. The swell of feeling cared for, respected and supported by others was truly one of the best gifts I ever experienced.  Eventually, I felt myself naturally propelling forward by carrying my values with me and, yet, creating a semi-new reality ahead. My grieving process, particularly connecting with others, reminded me of the firefighter’s desire to connect with others through the advice column as he grieved and re-built his life.  

For some, grief & loss can be experienced as a harrowing crisis and this crisis can truly be fodder for future opportunities and growth. And, through my own experiences as well as listening to others’ experiences, I have come to truly appreciate that grief & loss comes in many forms and shapes.

Long gone are the days when we thought of grief & loss solely as one facing their own mortality due to a terminal illness or losing a loved one to death. These are most certainly some of the most difficult types of grief & loss people can face in a lifetime as it can bring about great pain and suffering. The loss of a loved one can stir up a deep emotional response, physical and behavioral changes. Other forms of losses can bring about up deep emotional, physical, and behavioral responses and changes as well.

Experiencing a significant life transition (such as entering into college or parenthood), a childhood robbed of important attachment figures or childhood experiences, the demise of an intimate relationship through betrayal & infidelity, and the loss of being connected with one’s feelings or reality by route of escaping into addiction, perpetual distraction or fantasy -- all of these examples fall under the umbrella of grief & loss. 

People who experience grief & loss can go through a number of stages, sometimes in sequential order, other times bouncing back-and-forth among the stages, and for some, remaining stuck in a stage or bypassing certain stages all together. There are a number of identifiable stages of grief listed, one of the more common models is Dr. Kubler-Ross’ modified 7 Stages of Grief & Loss. For brevity, here are those 7 Stages:

1. Shock (Initial paralysis hearing the news)

2. Denial (Trying to avoid the inevitable)

3. Anger (Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion)

4. Bargaining (seeking in vain to find a way out)

5. Depression (Final realizations of the inevitable)

6. Testing (seeking realistic solutions)

7. Acceptance (Finally finding the way forward)

Having the understanding and knowledge of The 7 Stages of Grief & Loss can be instrumental in cultivating understanding which can eventually contribute towards facilitating growth and change. As I highlighted earlier, I believe interpersonal relationships -- connecting with others -- is also important to incorporate during the grief & loss process and survival.  Whether it’s with a trusted family member or friend, therapist, or your community can be healing as your experience and move through your grieving process and recovery. 

Being there for people by exercising empathy, attunement, and being fully present is critical as one heals.  Also, giving yourself permission to be vulnerable to express yourself with people you feel safe with creates a holding space for you and your experiences. Emotional and relational connection like these brings about a deeper understanding of one’s experiences which can then help promote compassion, transformation, healing, and recovery. The emotional-felt experience within a relational context is vital for healing and survival during grief & loss.

I am going to revisit something I referenced earlier in the blog, and I know it may seem like I am veering off (which I am) and going on a tangent, but this is an area I want to weave into the area on grief & loss.   

Around last summer, my mother-in-law remarked how the United States tends to tear down old buildings to make space for newer buildings to be built.  She conveyed her concern about our country undermining the inherent value, respect of others, its history and imprint, and ultimately the loss of felt social and human connection by tearing down old buildings. The decimation of older structures and the lack of integrating new and old buildings together equates with grief & loss for the people of this country.  This was the message I heard, and it struck me.   

The following day after my mother-in-law shared her perspective, I had read "He Knows What You Really Need" article in Psychology Today which highlights Glenn Adamson's perspective on the value of knowing how objects or things are made or cultivated. The article revealed Adamson's book, "Fewer, Better Things"  which highlights the act of purchasing or collecting mass-produced items can water-down the value and connection between consumers (people) and goods. Glenn believes diving deeper into learning more about the maker and the making process promotes greater understanding and respect for the maker and object, and overall promotes social and emotional connectivity.  Mass produced items create a lack of human connection - loss, in other words. Experiencing an artisan’s creative piece awakens our senses and taps into an emotional and human connection with its maker.

And then the following night back in August 2018 (yes, I’m serious about these sequential events), I found myself seeing these same themes emerge in the then new show, "Making It" hosted by Amy Poehler and Nick Offerman. The show is about bringing master craftspeople and artisans together to compete in a friendly and fun environment.  During the crafters' introductions, one of the makers remarked that crafting in today's culture has dwindled down as people expend more time and energy on their phones. Crafting with others creates memories, she added.  Memories filled with emotional and social connections. 

The idea is that thoughtfully-designed, emotionally and physically labored crafts, objects, and buildings promote greater human connectivity. Eliminating them only promotes greater relational loss. I really started to sit with the idea of how the loss of certain physical objects or structures impact us psychologically, relationally, and culturally, and what this could mean for us and perhaps, for human evolution.

Of course, facing a terminal illness or experiencing the loss of a loved one pales in comparison to the loss of not knowing the maker of a vase on your dining room table. I am not making the comparison that both are similar in terms of its impact when it comes to grieving.  But, I do think it’s worth acknowledging that grief & loss comes in many different shapes and forms. It’s not black-and-white.

So, here are my hopes. My hope is we can continue to acknowledge, better understand and define the various forms of grief & loss that touch people in various ways both intimately and globally. That we can all take a leap by vulnerably reaching out to others for support during our own grieving journey. We can be truly available and present to those who are grieving. We can take a moment to think about preventing unnecessary losses. And, we can appreciate the preservation of human connection, particularly in the wake of grief & loss. Because human connection is truly a powerful thing, take it from me.      

Sexual Trauma, Triggers, & The 24-Hour News Cycle

By Concentric Counselor Katie Ho, LPC, NCC

You can hardly escape today’s current social and political climate - it’s on the news, in your social media, overheard at lunch, and even for therapists, themes in session. For those who have experienced trauma in their lifetime, past or ongoing, navigating topics like sexual assault can be overwhelming, scary, complicated and sometimes even powerful. How we take care of ourselves and the people around us who may be struggling with the complexity of their emotions has to be part of the larger conversation. It’s clear that avoiding or minimizing discussions on sexual violence and quieting the stories of survivors is not the path to atonement and reconciliation. But as we create space and lift up the voices of those who have suffered, we must also take inventory of what comes up in us and tend to those parts with kindness, care and nurturing.

The #MeToo movement, local and national advocacy groups and social justice organizations have been and continue to create a platform for those who have been victim to sexual harassment and assault. While the stories and accounts of these traumas seem to be daunting all of the sudden for those who have been unaware, statistics and experts have known for some time of these experiences. The National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC) estimates that 1 in 5 women will be raped in the United States in their lifetime, and that 1 in 3 women will experience some form of sexual violence. The majority of these acts are committed by acquaintances, partners or people who are known by the victim, and according to the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN), the majority of these events occur at or near the victim’s home. These of course are statistics, data and research gathered through reports from multidisciplinary agencies. There is undeniable value in knowing these numbers. And just as much, there is value in hearing the experiences and seeing the faces of survivors who have chosen to come forward.

As allegations and reports of sexual assault make the news, we are bombarded with information, opinions, commentary and even jokes on the matter. Survivors are subject to their own re-traumatization, which has an impact on psychological and physical health, triggered by both the details of these publicized allegations of assaults and non-believers who dismiss them.

In knowing that a trigger is a psychological stimulus that can be evoked through anything from sights, smells or sounds, it’s no wonder that the 24-hour news cycle is affecting so many people. Survivors are not alone in their strong reactions to the constant replaying and subsequent criticism, shaming or dismissing of survivor stories. Those who feel a connection or calling to the cause, whether it be through their empathic attunement or knowing a survivor, may also experience the distress and burnout that comes with the current climate.

So how do we take care? How do we balance the righteous anger and complexity of our other emotions, promote advocacy and change, all while healing and taking gentle care of ourselves? In doing this, one of the most important things to know is nothing can replace the support of others. So find someone, or a group of someones, who can help to support, validate and foster a safe environment for processing.

Find a tribe, or maybe even create one. Pay attention to your body, as our physical being can often tell us when stress is increasing and it’s time for tending and healing. Maybe that means physical exercise, movement, touch or a practice of progressive muscle relaxation (a quick YouTube search is all you need!). Set boundaries. Limit your intake of news and dialogue on the topic by knowing how much mental and emotional labor you’re able to give without overextending yourself. And if you find yourself overwhelmed, triggered or lost, use mindful grounding techniques to bring yourself back into your here and now. Feel your feet on the floor, describe and notice something around you, use your five senses to bring a consciousness into your physical environment and current moment in time and add in a quick reminder - “I am safe. I am in control. I am okay.”

Adolescents, Teens, Depression & The Warning Signs

By Concentric Counselor Katie Ho, LPC, NCC

At a time in life when the only thing certain is constant change, recognizing and being aware of depression during adolescence can be a challenging feat without the knowledge of warning signs and risk factors. Mental health and the seriousness of depression continue to be topics of conversation following the headlines of national news and tragedies - but an equally, if not more urgent conversation is the one that needs to be started at home. The pressures of adolescence and impact of today’s culture of social media appearances and limited interpersonal connection only reinforce the need for education and awareness on depression. Parents and caregivers can provide their support and intervention through having the skills and knowledge to address their young person’s greatest mental health needs.

The answer to why we should talk about depression with teenagers is becoming more clear as the topic continues to be normalized, de-stigmatized and commonplace in the discussion of healthy emotional development; but the answer of how is where the light could shine a little brighter. How do you initiate a conversation around feelings, emotions and concerns of your child or loved one’s changes in mood and psychological health? How do you create a safe environment that fosters and promotes honest, sometimes uncomfortable dialogue about profound sadness or even thoughts of self-harm or suicide? Many of those answers involve one important action: listening.

In order to fully understand and be prepared for a conversation around your young person’s mental health, it’s vital to know the warning signs and symptoms involved with depression during adolescence. These characteristics can be different than how they typically manifest in adults, and can oftentimes be mislabeled as expected changes during a new phase of life. It’s important to distinguish between depression and normal sadness. Depression can consume their day-to-day life; interfering with the ability to work, eat, sleep, study and have joy. It can involve feelings of helplessness, hopelessness and worthlessness with little to no relief.

Here are some signs and symptoms of adolescent depression:

● While some individuals may appear sad - many and most appear irritable (unrelenting)
● Negative view of self and/or the world and future
● Withdrawal from family and friends (isolation)
● Anger/Rage
● Overreaction to criticism
● Excessive sleeping
● Significant change in appetite
● Increased reckless or impulsive behaviors
● Substance use or acting out in an attempt to avoid feelings
● Violence
● Running away

If you suspect your teenager is struggling with depression or begins showing signs of concerning behavior, finding the time, the patience and the space is the first step in creating an environment for an honest discussion.

❖ Remember the value in listening over lecturing: initiating a conversation about emotional pain or hardships means being willing to hear their truth without judgment or criticism.
❖ With unconditional love will need to come unconditional support; let them know you’re committed to helping them fully and in a way that respects their experience, choice and voice.
❖ Be gentle, but persistent - if your teenager claims nothing is wrong, but is otherwise unable to explain the concerning observations and behaviors, trust your intuition and consider options for getting them to open up. The most important goal is to get them talking - whether it’s to you or to a reputable third party, give them the resources and options to share with someone they can trust.
❖ Validate their feelings - always. Try to avoid talking them out of their feelings or giving them an alternative perspective in which to view their experience. Acknowledging and communicating that you believe and hear them will foster trust and empathy. In combating adolescent depression, it can be effective to take a holistic approach - making their physical health as much of a priority as their social and emotional health. Encourage movement!

Physical activity can be incorporated in a number of ways, whether it’s a sports team, individual activity, dance class, walking the dog or riding their bike - all movement is good movement! Healthy, balanced eating and limited screen time are essential requirements for anyone’s lifestyle, but particularly those in adolescence. These items can also be partnered with the important aspect of positive interactions with family or loved ones. Sharing a meal or spending quality time can help that young person feel connected and valued.

Should the need for professional help and intervention be determined, be sure to involve your teen in those decisions. Respect their thoughts and opinions, and talk openly about their options for treatment. It may be a struggle for them to feel connected or comfortable talking with a professional, and collaborating with them on identifying someone who could meet their needs may help to bridge that gap. Depression and recovery can feel scary to both parent and child, but having open conversations with clear understandings of love, validation and support can make helping them more manageable so that they can live their most meaningful life.