Be What They Don’t Want You to Be

By Concentric Therapist Christian Younginer, LCPC, NCC

“There's no earthly way of knowing

Which direction we are going

There's no knowing where we're rowing

Or which way the river's flowing

Is it raining, is it snowing?

Is a hurricane a-blowing? - uh!

Not a speck of light is showing

So the danger must be growing

Are the fires of Hell a-glowing?

Is the grisly reaper mowing?

Yes! The danger must be growing

For the rowers keep on rowing

And they're certainly not showing

Any signs that they are slowing!”

-Roald Dahl

In only 2 months there have been unconscionable shifts, worries, grief, and desecration. We’re drowning in more news than we could ever hope to process. So the murky mantra of “stay informed” keeps us glued to news and media. Born out of passion, fear, and indignation this mantra is a tricky one. It condenses down to a simple question:

How do I stay informed without spiraling?

Simply put, humans aren’t meant to know the opinions of thousands and thousands of people. It’s too much. Bellowing, personal attacks, and the derision of every person who ever held a thought on a matter exists for my consumption. Feasts of outrage, buffets of righteousness. The news self-selects for such outrage and fires it at us like a firehose. Sadly, this post could’ve been simpler before all this started, but now the firehose contains very real threats to long-held beliefs about how the world worked and the defilement of once unalienable rights.

The grisly Reaper makes headline after headline, sowing calamity and malignance into our already stressful days. He certainly shows no signs of slowing and the yes-men keep on rowing towards what feels like devastation. We could call it alarmist if only the alarms weren’t already screaming. And the comment section’s growing and shows no signs of slowing and the danger must be growing because the reaper keeps on crowing that the line we must be toeing bends backward into what we hoped was history. 

So we put on our waders and stand, chest deep, in the floodwaters of news media, looking to stay abreast of executive orders, bills, and other sins. We believe it's the best that can be done in the face of such powerlessness and helplessness. But what happens when reassurance-seeking isn’t working and it’s 2am and we’re 100 comments deep in a Reddit thread on today’s fresh hell? 

More information isn’t always reassuring. The reason is that news is an idempotent process. That is, further repeated action brings no change. Reading the news over and over brings no new information. Once we’ve learned a piece of information, leave the source and sit with it. Only when new information is released can we then learn something new. 

It is imperative we discern the point at which our information-seeking becomes reassurance-seeking. 

The point between when we’ve learned something, and then we return to another source to hear it put a different way, or a comment section where it’s retold 50 different ways, shellacked in bias, all with the exact same information we already had. It’s called doomscrolling for a reason.

Yes, alternative perspectives and educated deciphering of complex topics are important. Seek them out, but remain watchful for yourself. Look out for those signs you may be seeking reassurance rather than information. 

When you find you’re hitting that point, don’t turn to your phone for reassurance, turn to people. 

Real people. People you can hug, see, cry with, scream with. Skip the comment section. Read Bell Hooks. Write your anger down to keep it from corroding you. Listen to music that gives you power. Read poetry. Write poetry. Protest. Be vulnerable. Scream. Read Bertrand Russell. Love unrelentingly. Learn self-defense, then scream again that you even have to. Read Octavia Butler. Protect the identities of endangered people. Be what they don’t want you to be. 

And when your nervous system feels shot from mere existence, listen to it. Take breaks. Prioritize stillness over productivity. Give yourself permission to produce less. Walk. Find beauty in the natural world. Learn how a grasshopper’s leg works. Savor. Go to therapy. Normalize slowness. Organize a cabinet. Read the Wikipedia page for Bread. Play. Invite friends over for soup. Breath deeply. Rest. Read Tara Brach. Grow plants. 

It is as if the world has grown dark. But it is my hope that we can find our own way through the dark with whatever lights us. If you don’t know what this is, let’s find it through therapy. Perhaps finding your light can brighten another’s world too.

Maybe newspapers had it right. I’m going to try reading the news once per day and leaving it at that. Because there may be no way of knowing which direction we are going, and the grisly Reaper may keep mowing. And I know my privilege is showing, but I need to keep on going - to help those I can. 

What Are Your Internal Dialogues Trying to Protect You From?

By Concentric Therapist Intern Mara Hundrieser-Acosta, B.A. (Clinical Mental Health Counselor M.A.)

I know I am not the only one that has internal conversations with different parts of myself. Just going back and forth with what I should have done, said, or even experienced. I recently lost my mother to cancer. When someone asks me “How are you doing? I answer with “ I am doing ok, just taking it one day at a time.” but on the inside, my brain is struggling. The actual answer in my mind is, “ I miss my mom, I wish I could see her.” and then another part of my mind answers “I have to cook dinner, wash clothes, put them away, and so much more to do, I feel so overwhelmed.” and another part says, “People will think you don’t have a handle on your life if you let them know how you truly feel.” So, I end up giving a generic answer and smile. 

The conversation inside my mind keeps going even though on the outside I am smiling and making small talk. Sometimes when we have been through hard times, we develop a strong voice that keeps us “in check.” When we view this through an Internal Family Systems (IFS) lens, it's called a Manager. We all have these internal conversations. No, there is nothing wrong with us; it’s just part of how we take care of ourselves internally. You might wonder what I mean about how we take care of ourselves internally. We all go back and forth with all of our parts to try to navigate our lives through stress, anxiety, depression, painful situations, and trauma. Through IFS we can learn what these parts need in order to feel at peace in our life. 

“IFS guides us to offer deep understanding and credible help to the critic and the innumerable other parts who populate our clients’ inner worlds, some of whom long to transform but are stuck in extreme, destructive roles.” -Schwartz & Sweezy (2020)

What is IFS?

Internal Family Systems (IFS), a model of therapy and an approach to better understand ourselves, was developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz. He has worked on the development of IFS for over 40 years.  Dr. Schwartz holds a Ph.D. in Marriage and Family Therapy and was trained to view and understand people through a systematic lens.  After years of working with families and individuals, Dr. Schwartz noticed how clients would speak about their different inner parts. Just like I shared my internal dialogue about being asked about me in relation to my mother. 

While in session with clients, Dr. Schwartz’s patients would share how they would go back and forth with different parts of themselves.  Dr. Schwartz noticed those parts also operate within a system similar to how a system of family operates. For example, a family system consists of different family members, roles or parts (e.g. parents, children) that interact with each other.  

If we look at humanity or systems with a very wide lens, we notice a system is always in place, starting with our solar system. Dr. Schwartz was able to recognize there is a system that consists of people’s inner parts.  These parts are called Managers, Firefighters, and Exiles. These parts have developed to protect us from harm, trauma, and difficult experiences that have left a wound inside our psyche. They all have a specific role that falls under a three-group system. All of our parts are good, even though they might seem mean or aggressive at times. 

The goal of IFS is to help people become Self-led, which means that their various parts feel loved by the Self and trust the Self’s leadership. IFS therapy has a gentle way to ease the pain of people’s experiences and parts and to help navigate the internal turmoil one often faces throughout life. 

The Roles of Parts: A Three-Group System

In order to understand further this three-group system we need to understand that each group or also called protective parts (Managers, Exiles, and Firefighters) doesn't have just one personality. There are different kinds of Managers; each one has its own role to play, as well as the Exiles and the Firefighters to protect us internally. These three-group systems work with each other and sometimes what feels like against each other in order to keep us safe internally. 

In other words…

One group tends to be highly protective, strategic, and interested in controlling the internal or external environment to keep things safe. In IFS, we call the members of this group Managers. 

A second group contains the most sensitive members of the system. When these parts feel injured or outraged, Managers will banish them for their own protection and the good of the whole system. We call them Exiles. 

A third group tries to stifle, anesthetize, or distract from the feelings of Exiles, reacting powerfully and automatically, without concern for consequences, to their distress as well as to the over-inhibition of Managers. We call these members Firefighters. 

Trauma & Internal Family Systems 

According to Schwartz & Sweezy (2020), internal systems (parts) that are responding to trauma not only divide into these roles, but the protective parts (Managers and Firefighters) also form alliances and get into conflicts with each other and can be very harsh or smothering with the Exile they are trying to protect or ward off. The sadder, more terrified, ashamed, rageful, or sexually charged an Exile is, the more protectors legitimately fear its release and the more extreme they become in their efforts to suppress and constrain them. In turn, the more an exile is suppressed, the more it tries to break out. In this way all three groups become victims of an escalating cycle of internecine* conflict. 

*internecine: destructive to both sides in a conflict.

Example: The more ashamed I feel about a traumatic event that happened to me the more scared the Managers and Firefighters are of me releasing or admitting this shame. So, the Managers and Firefighters will try really hard for me to suppress that shame. Which can mean one can begin to use drugs and alcohol to control that shame, or become very narcissistic in order to push it way down. The Managers and Firefighters believe that if one releases or admits this shame, it (the part) will ultimately fall apart. 

Childhood & Internal Family Systems

The Self can be forceful and protective. Children who have experienced developmental trauma or any abuse of their independence, spontaneity, leadership (or other traits that rely on courage themselves) begin to suppress their courageous side. It takes tremendous courage to go toward terrifying places in the psyche. Many protectors avoid stepping out of their roles because they believe the person would be weak and passive without them. Protectors always have intense fears about allowing clients to open the door to Exiles they locked away years ago in inner dark places. When a client says they are afraid to do something, we know a part in their inner world is speaking. But once the part understands the fearless nature of the Self, its fear (and emotional pain, shame, and rage) surrenders.

IFS Therapy has 4 Goals:

1. To liberate parts from the roles they have been forced into, freeing them to be who they were designed to be.

2. To restore faith in The Self and in Self-Leadership.

3. To re-harmonize the inner system.

4. To encourage the person or client to become increasingly Self-led in their interactions with the world.

So, What Does This All Mean? 

The intention of IFS is for the client to access, experience, and be Self-led, to feel safe, to learn their inner world, and understand how their parts work together or against each other in order to protect them. The more we learn and understand about our parts and what they are trying to tell us; it then becomes easier to identify when they get activated. Understanding who we are, where we have been, and what has hurt us, is what is going to give us the opportunities to heal ourselves. The end goal is to be able to be our own saviors, but to get there we must be willing to surrender and be open to learning. 

Once a person experiences faith in The Self and in Self-leadership, the IFS therapist seeks to help the client develop the Eight C’s. 

The Eight C’s

Curiosity: The client learns to be inquisitive, and have interest rather than be judgmental or fearful. This is where one comes with no agenda, one just wants to learn, know, and understand. There is a sense of feeling at ease and moving forward with wonder. There is a sense of safety that opens the door to vulnerability. 

Calm: After being in a high alert state, where one’s nervous system is often aroused, Self-leadership does the opposite by creating a sense of calm that is both physical and mental. The client is able to accept life on its own terms and there is a sense of resilience and assertiveness. 

Courage: When a client says they are afraid to do something in the inner world, we know a part is speaking. But once the part understands the fearless nature of The Self, its fear (and emotional pain, shame, and rage) surrenders. 

Confidence: The Self validates and comforts its Exiles bringing about an infectious air of confidence, conveying to protector parts that it is safe to relax instead of trying to “let it go and move on” (the typical protector advice that encourages people to abandon and isolate their burdened young parts), injuries can be healed. When Exiles are unburdened, the system becomes less delicate and less reactive, and protective parts are more inclined to trust Self-leadership. 

Connectedness: The Self, in its natural state, experiences the sense of connectedness. Instead of trying really hard to obtain a connection with someone, through trauma bonding.  The Self can now move through the world in harmony. Connectedness links with calm and confidence which altogether links up The Divine. 

The Divine: Through extensive research by Dr. Richard Schwartz this is what he describes as The Divine. “Though they used different words, all the esoteric traditions within the major religions – Buddhism, Hinduism, Christianity, Judaism, Islam – emphasized their same core belief: we are sparks of the eternal flame, manifestations of the absolute ground of being. It turns out that the Divine within – what the Christians call the soul or Christ Consciousness, Buddhists call Buddha Nature, the Hindus Atman, the Taoists Tao, the Sufis the Beloved, the Quakers the Inner Light.” 

Clarity: One can see things more clearly. The distortions are no longer in effect and the extreme beliefs ease as one can see authenticity. Our vision is clear when we see through the eyes of the Self versus when our vision is distorted through the eyes of extreme parts.

Creativity: It’s believed that once the inner turmoil and constant struggle start to quiet down and The Self becomes the leader (aka Self-led), creativity can emerge naturally. This means once the managers start to relax, we can problem-solve with greater ease which becomes second nature. 

Compassion:  Once a client finds some separation or healthy distance from their angry or scared part, they can now see these parts from a compassionate lens.  They can express how sad or sorry they are for those parts and are willing to help them heal. This inherent desire to help their suffering parts signifies and taps into compassion. 

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I hope that after reading all this information there is a part of you that feels compelled to explore IFS. I want to say to “the part” of you that has that interest, that feels like it has been lost, in pain, or any other unresolved feelings; you are important and you deserve to be seen and heard. If you are wondering which part that might be, I am talking to your Self-led part; the part that might be hiding in the shadows for a while. 

We live in a time where we are overworked, overwhelmed, on the go, not getting enough sleep, expecting to be everything and nothing at all, where we have to walk on eggshells, but make a difference. It’s no wonder that our Self-led part feels so overwhelmed and just lost. This is the time when we need to slow down and rebel; which translates to going inside, getting curious about your parts, and reconnecting to who we truly are meant to be.

I know it might sound like a big ask, yet if you go back and read about The Eight C’s and imagine experiencing them, I think it’s all worth the journey of healing. The idea of feeling liberated is what motivates me through the IFS lens. I wish for you and my clients to feel liberated from whatever has been holding you back from being your most authentic self and be connected to your Divine. 

So, next time you have those internal conversations bring awareness to what each part is saying, and ask them what they truly need. They are trying to protect you even if they might sound very harsh or act maladaptively; they just haven’t learned a better way, yet, to communicate with you. Even if you don’t think you have the power within you to heal, to reframe those inner dialogues; you actually do, it’s inside you.

Resources for Consideration

Books: IFS online store | IFS Institute 

Videos: Dr. Richard Schwartz explains Internal Family Systems (IFS) Dr. Richard Schwartz Has A Radical Approach To Healing

Podcast: Multiplicity of the Mind: An Approach To Healing the Inner Self | Dr. Richard Schwartz X Rich Roll

The Misunderstandings of Anger

By Concentric Counselor Ashley Smith (Guerrero), LSW, CADC

Anger is a tricky thing. Emotions are not often identified as tricky and complex, but anger is one of few exceptions to this. To be angry, is to be described as negative, bad, destructive, and heavy. While anger is neither good nor bad, its constant bad press interferes and hinders our desire to reflect and understand it. If we do not understand it, how can we include it when communicating emotions?

Anger is an internal call deeply rooted in our body’s fight or flight system, built, and strengthened through the millions of years in which humans existed. Simply put, this system is our body’s most primitive one and when needed, provides us with a boost of energy (from cortisol/adrenaline) so that we can respond to external dangers and triggers.

This primitive system at its core is an automatic defense mechanism that alerts us to promptly respond to triggers and dangers in moments of stress. While the basic function of this system is well intended and perhaps necessary, it highlights the complexities of the anger emotion and therefore, makes it that much more difficult to explore and understand.

Albeit confusing and difficult to unpack, the key to understanding anger is a deep exploration of its misunderstandings.

Let us explore some of the misunderstandings of anger.

Misunderstanding #1: Anger is a bad emotion.

Anger is neither good nor bad however, in the absence of control, it is paralyzing and igniting. To equip ourselves from it taking control of us, we must become curious about what it is and how it flows through the body. Although anger is often viewed as a silo of an emotion, it consists of not one, but three components: emotional, behavioral, and cognitive. All three occur simultaneously, creating a synergy of responses.

Behavioral Response: Behavioral responses to anger range in expressions from being internal (resentment, irritability), external (verbal, throwing, aggression) and sideways (manipulation, sarcasm). Such responses are what people often see and hear and is the crux of its bad rap.

There is no denying such behavioral responses are unpleasant, but it is simply one aspect of anger, and we need to allocate as much attention to the emotional and cognitive responses as we do to its behavioral counterpart.

Emotional Response: Anger is a secondary emotion meaning it occurs in response to other emotions (sadness, worry, guilt, embarrassment, betrayal). The key is to not only understand anger but also where the reaction is coming from. When we understand its driving forces, we expose the internal confrontations of our emotions and begin the journey towards strengthening our emotional intelligence and sharpen our communication with others.

Cognitive Response: Expressions such as “that person made me so angry” overlooks that thoughts occur prior to and during angry feelings. Our thoughts and interpretation of an event influence behavioral responses. Similarly, to our emotional response it is important to recognize thoughts passing through our mind and where they stem from…” Do I need reassurance? Am I longing for something?”

For the reasons above, anger is a necessary emotion that requires exploration and tenderness, understanding and cultivating. Understanding anger requires a relationship with it; one filled with patience, curiosity, and compassion. When we befriend our anger, we can safely explore its activators, and therefore harness, and channel it in a productive manner. When anger is harnessed, we are more empowered, motivated towards change, and able to deepen connections within ourselves and others.

Misunderstanding #2: Other people make me angry.

It is important to reflect on where the anger is stemming from, not who. When looking into where anger arises from, a place often overlooked is a person’s value system. We all have values but don’t always allow space to reflect on what they are, and more importantly, why specific values are of importance. Oftentimes, anger can be triggered when a “value chord” is struck. When this happens, it is a physical reminder of your value (s) and requires questioning and exploring the following: 

1.     What value is the trigger striking?

2.     Why is this value important to me?

3.     What is this reaction showing about me?

Reflecting and exploring the origins of the anger provides an opportunity to explain it, rather than haphazardly express it. When we welcome others into this space, it opens doors to solutions, rather than arguments.

Misunderstanding #3: Venting anger is helpful.

Venting anger stems from a Freudian theory of emotional catharsis. This theory suggests that it not released, bottled feelings of frustration and aggression lead to internal pressures, in the same way air fills a balloon until eventually, it pops.

Research has since debunked Freud’s emotional catharsis theory and in fact, found that venting can lead to increased difficulty to cope and even, manage anger. Contrary to Freudian’s theory, current research shows that acting out anger and aggression leads to increased hostility, allows for lashing out and increases levels of distress. Repeated acts of venting anger allow for faster and easier triggering. This constant and automatic, reinforcement increases the odds of anger being a quick and automated response when triggered. The act of lashing out anger is counter-productive; it leads to less-than-ideal responses to stressors. Science has taught us that acting out anger through benign behaviors such as punching or yelling into a pillow is both unsustainable and ineffective when learning to understand and control it.

When we reflect on where anger comes from and our triggers to this emotion, we can learn more about ourselves and how to effectively explain our feelings of anger and moreover, learn to experience the emotion in ways that are healthy and sustainable. The key to navigating our anger is to understand, explain it and channel it through constructive outlets.

                                                            References and Additional Resources

Cirino, Erica. “Anger Management Exercises: 9 Exercises to Help Curb Your Anger.” Anger Management Exercises to Help You Stay Calm, Healthline Media, 4 Dec. 2018, https://www.healthline.com/health/anger-management-exercises.

Hayes, Stephen. “The Simple Guide to Value Triggers | Psychology Today.” The Simple Guide to Value Triggers, Psychology Today, 11 Aug. 2019, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/get-out-your-mind/201908/the-simple-guide-value-triggers.

Oldenburg, Don. “Angry? Don't Punch That Pillow -- Calm down Instead.” The Washington Post, WP Company, 29 Mar. 1999, https://www.washingtonpost.com/archive/lifestyle/1999/03/29/angry-dont-punch-that-pillow-calm-down-instead/5fcea917-965e-41c5-a0ef-738a1f56a823/.

Roberts, Caroline. “ 5 Healthier Ways to Deal with Anger Instead of Venting.” Venting Your Anger Can Make You More Stressed out -- Do These Things Instead, CNET, 16 Nov. 2019, https://www.cnet.com/health/5-healthier-ways-to-deal-with-anger-instead-of-venting/.

Salters-Pedneault, Kristalyn. “Venting Anger May Not Be Good for Borderline Personality Disorder.” Is V\Venting Your Anger a Good Idea?, Verywell Mind, 19 July 2019, https://www.verywellmind.com/how-you-vent-anger-may-not-be-good-for-bpd-425393#:~:text=Research%20suggests%20that%20letting%20off,way%20to%20control%20your%20anger.&text=While%20you%20may%20temporarily%20feel,your%20anger%20down%20the%20road.

Scott, James. “Exploring the Complexity of Anger ...” Scott Free Clinic, 1 Dec. 2017, https://www.scottfreeclinic.org/2017/11/29/exploring-the-complexity-of-anger/.

Seltzer, Leon. “6 Virtues, and 6 Vices, of Venting.” Psychology Today, Sussex Publishers, 2 Apr. 2014, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evolution-the-self/201404/6-virtues-and-6-vices-venting.

Where's My Coconut Radio?

By Concentric Counselor Christian Younginer, LPC, NCC

When reaching into my therapeutic bag of tools, seldom do 1960’s TV shows come out. But as I sit in the world that is my apartment these days, I found a kinship with those fateful souls marooned on Gilligan’s Island. 

I ran with this idea, not wondering where it would lead, but I had nothing else to do- as is often the case in this shelter-in-place. For those not familiar with the premise of the TV show: a merry group of vacationers, under the impression that they would be taking a 3-hour tour (a three-hour tourrrr), are tossed about in the seas and left stranded on an island, with only the clothes on their backs, their wits, and the several large steamer trunks of clothes packed by an ostentatiously wealthy couple. 

While not anywhere close to being alive in the 1960s, I am well aware that the decade as a whole requires a suspension of disbelief to make sense of it, and Gilligan’s Island is no different. Throughout the series, the Professor constructs various and outlandish gizmos and contraptions with nothing more than coconuts and acceptance by the viewer. And this is the crux of why this show came to me while pacing my apartment. The Professor, the eponymous inventor who was on this tour for some reason, built a coconut radio… A radio, made of coconuts. Not like a transmitter to call for help, just a radio. And it’s this level of acceptance that I think can be therapeutically useful during our new reality in this pandemic. 

A person who makes a coconut radio is not a person who is waiting to be rescued. This invention speaks to these ill-prepared islanders’ acceptance and presentness of their situation. Hell, they never even tried to fix the boat. 

This got me wondering: what is my coconut radio? What is something that can help me accept that I am not in control right now, but find a way to live within the situation handed to me? I am not in control of when this shelter-in-place will be lifted. I am not in control of what the world will look like in 1 month, 6 months, a year after this pandemic. But just in the same way the folks on Gilligan’s Island arrived (surprisingly quickly too) at a place of peace with their circumstances, maybe I can find a way to sit back, make a coconut radio, and find control where I can. 

Planning for the future, for when quarantine and the pandemic are over, keeps me from living inside the quarantine and the pandemic. And if I’m unable to live in it, then I’m nervously ticking off the days, festering in the anxiety of my apartment. So this is my challenge to myself, find my coconut radio. Find something that helps me stay present and accepting of my surroundings, rather than dreaming of a time when I can get off this island.

How to Open a Door When Coronavirus is Closing our Doors

By Concentric Owner Jennifer Larson, LCPC, NCC

Originally posted in The Sounds newspaper, Volume 43, Number 15 on April 4, 2020 and later in published in the Illinois Mental Health Counselors Association (IMHCA), a division of Illinois Counseling Association (ICA), News Update. Click here.

You know the saying “When One Door Closes, Another Door Opens”? During this time, we can’t help to notice closed doors everywhere, from schools to restaurants to places of worship to retailers. Even our home doors are closed, keeping others away and containing us inside.  It may seem overly optimistic to think this quote holds true during this extraordinary and challenging time with COVID-19 knocking on everyone’s door.  Alarm bells are sounded within us daily, the threats are real and experienced by so many, and some of us feel our life has been hijacked.  So how can we during this time envision doors opening up or experience something positive from all of this? 

I am by no means suggesting doors are flying wide-open given the sheer number of doors that are literally closed and even locked. But, if you can take a moment to pause, focus and be intentional, you may find that you can open doors to otherwise missed opportunities. 

Psychotherapist and author Esther Perel states when faced with our own existential anxieties it can open the door to fully living.  Some of us may have been living life on auto-pilot depriving ourselves of certain reflections, experiences or opportunities. So, what does living fully exactly mean?

It can mean a lot of things, but to start, it can mean experiencing each moment and each day in the here-and-now noticing and appreciating all of life’s offerings. Perhaps you had been more disconnected from yourself, no longer appreciating your talents, thoughts, feelings and your body’s capabilities -- which you can now fully appreciate.  Or taking a moment to get out of your head to be fully present and connected with another person can offer you an opportunity to be transported, experiencing life through a different lens other than your own.  Also, fully activating your senses can bring about a subtle, yet powerful sense of fully living.  Consider next time you take a walk outside, notice all of your surroundings paying attention to each of your senses. Notice your positive feelings as you attune to your senses.  

Shawn Achor, an educator, researcher, and author, offers a number of research-based ways to live a happier life. One of them is to take a few minutes each day to write down 1 positive experience within the last 24 hours and provide 3 rich details about that experience. Also, write down your gratitudes, giving specific details.  And reach out to someone to fully express why you appreciate them.  We know giving to others not only makes us feel better, but helps the person on the receiving end feel happier too.

And last, what is something you can look forward to when the shelter-at-home Executive Order is lifted and you can bust out the sheltered seams?  Will it be something specific such as dining at your favorite restaurant?  A ritual or practice you will reacquaint with again?  For me, it will be telling myself “I get to go here or I get do this” which represents a door opening into seeing how choice and freedom are true gifts.

Remember The Weatherperson?

By Concentric Counselor Christian Younginer, LPC, NCC

What We Wish Life Were Like

The Curiosity rover landed on Mars August 6th, 2012, the end of a flight that began November 26th, 2011-- 9 months prior. At its traveling speeds, all predetermined by NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory (JPL), scientists had to calculate where an orbiting planet would be 9 months from the moment of launch. In fact, they needed to know where Mars would be years in advance as they began building and programming the rover. They were able to plan for, predict, and pinpoint the location of a planet hurtling through space at 53,600 mph, rotating at 532 mph down to the meter to land a rover on its surface.

This is possible due to the predictability of the celestial bodies. Astronomers from thousands of years ago plotted out eclipses for hundreds of generations into the future, with impressive accuracy. It’s that there just aren’t very many variables in space; bodies in motion stay in motion, unless a force acts on them. And if no force does, they keep on trucking. Thus, their location is predictable. This does not mean that any part of landing a rover on another planet is easy--it’s just possible.

What Life Is Actually Like

Conversely, it is a common occurrence that shuttle launches are cancelled, last minute, tanks fueled, on the pad- due to weather… Earth weather. A shuttle, bound for space, to another planet, is grounded because humans cannot accurately predict the weather more than a couple of days out. And even then it can be a crapshoot. 

The reason for this comes down to something much more akin to living life: variables and information. There are simply too many variables to predict and too much information we’re not able to know. For example, if I knew the direction and velocity of every air particle on Earth, I could give you an accurate weather model. Obviously, this is not possible. So we’re left making educated guesses, working with what we have, and most importantly a social understanding that forecasts are guesses, not gospel. With this understanding comes a grace--sometimes annoyance--but a grace for being wrong. An ‘it’s out of our hands’ amenableness that wonderfully conflicts with the modern American desire for planning, preparation, and predictability. 

What Can We Do?

So often we try to plan for every eventuality, scrutinizing the details, languishing in an anxious mire of a desire for control, only to see our plans crash into a Martian hillside, due to an unforeseen variable. 

Often, the anxious try to view life with such a level of predictability. Hopes that the world will fit into plans and preparations, only to be disappointed when something unaccounted for goes awry. Often times this desire for control flows into our lives as a nagging generalized anxiety, a worry for all things in an effort to be prepared for every outcome. We wish life were as predictable as space travel. As oxymoronic as it sounds, going about our day may be more complicated than rocket science. And we tell ourselves that the stakes are just as high. 

As mentioned in regards to weather, the secret lies in the ability to tolerate the ambiguity of an uncertain system. We can be disappointed with an inaccurate weather report, but continue on to the next day. Yes it can suck when it rains when the news said it wouldn’t, but we don’t hold ourselves responsible for the outcome. In our own lives, we can place an enormous amount of responsibility on ourselves, often for things not in our control. We can assault ourselves with a barrage of ‘should have planned for it’ , ‘should have seen it coming’, or ‘should have done it differently’. All of which are the equivalent of looking at Tuesday’s weather and telling yourself you should’ve known that on Monday. 

Maybe we can have the same grace for the weatherperson, AND with ourselves. If we get it wrong, be disappointed for a bit, be annoyed, but let it go. Tomorrow is another day to try again. If we find ourselves feeling anxious about the ambiguity of life, rather than try to think out the outcomes, what if we gave ourselves permission to feel anxious for a bit? Feeling anxious about the ambiguity of every day is not a failing, but rather an admission to one’s self that we don’t have enough information. And instead of punishing ourselves for trying to know something we can’t, maybe we can have a little grace with ourselves, and remember the weatherperson. 

Where’s My Person? Complexities of Adult Friendships

By Concentric Counselor Kelsey Lamm Rottmuller, LPC, NCC

How do I feel by the end of the day? / Are you sad because you're on your own? / No, I get by with a little help from my friends — With a Little Help from My Friends | The Beatles

There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you / We stick together and can see it through / 'Cause you've got a friend in me — You’ve Got a Friend in Me | Randy Newman

If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends / (Gotta get with my friends) / Make it last forever, friendship never ends — Wannabe | The Spice Girls

And as our lives change / Come whatever / We will still be / Friends forever — Graduation (Friends Forever) | Vitamin C

Having come of age listening to song lyrics like these, and wistfully witnessing the implausible but admirable portrayal of kinship in the 90s sitcom Friends, I,  like many adults, developed certain ideas and expectations about friendship. For example, I grew up believing one should have a best friend and know how to not only make friends but keep those friendships thriving into adulthood.

But what happens when making friends isn’t as simple as swapping parts of your lunch with a classmate, or performing in the school play together? Even in college, school and extracurricular activities provided fertile ground in which the seeds of friendship could blossom, helped along by common interests and schedules structured around shared classes. Once the structured environment of school is removed and we are left to choose our own adventures, the work of maintaining and definition of friendship seems to dramatically shift for many adults. What perhaps once came relatively easily, now actually takes planning, work, and dedication.

In her Psychology Today article 5 Lies About Adult Friendships, Dr. Miriam Kirmayer unpacks and debunks commonly-held myths about friendships in adulthood. Primarily among these is that “by early adulthood, we should know how to make friends and handle the challenges that come with these relationships; that these are skills we learn early in childhood and adolescence, and that by the time we leave college or even high school, we should have it ‘figured out.’ The problem is, not only is this belief untrue, it can make us feel like we’re the only person who struggles and leaves us feeling disappointed, ashamed, or alone. This, in turn, makes it much less likely that we will reach out for guidance or support if (or when) we do struggle.”

The Struggle is Real

I’ve heard from clients, colleagues and compadres alike how challenging it can be to keep friendships alive, reciprocated, and not feeling like one more thing on a never-ending to-do list. Despite all the best intentions, life as an adult becomes increasingly busy as we fill our time with work, family, continued education, and expanding responsibilities. People move away, start families, follow jobs and hustle hard to build a life. This can leave little time and space for what feels like the luxury of friendship.

A friend from college once told me (before moving away and starting a family) that “being friends as an adult means you take turns texting each other ‘we should get together soon’ repeatedly until you die.” While that statement seemed morbid and pessimistic at the time, it also resonated with me as one of the many struggles faced in adult friendships. Everyone is so busy. Not spending time investing in and invigorating friendships can simultaneously feel like an uphill battle and a source of regret or shame.

Then there are those ‘rites of passage’ in adulthood that can make the lack of a best friend or even close friends acutely apparent. In the 2009 buddy/romance film I Love You Man, we see played out the challenge that can arise when one finds a partner to whom they want to commit but struggles to identify a platonic companion to stand by their side. This film has come up in my work time and again when discussing the loneliness and isolation experienced by clients who struggle similarly to identify close companions outside of family or casual work acquaintances. But why do we feel so driven toward close friendships? Why doesn’t simply having a safe, stable life, perhaps even shared with a romantic partner seem like enough?

The Psychology

In his Psychosocial Development Theory, ego psychologist Erik Erikson posited that young adults (defined by Erikson as ages 19-40 yrs) enter the Intimacy vs. Isolation (Sixth Stage) of development, in which they seek to resolve developmental conflicts related to emotionally intimate relationships. These relationships may be romantic and/or platonic in nature. Erikson believed that failure to resolve said conflicts by establishing close relationships could result in an experience of isolation and loneliness. According to the psychology, this sharing of self with others drives not only our romantic partnering, but also our urge to host a game night, share a multi-hour brunch, or schedule that phone call to dissect the latest Star Wars movie with our World of Warcraft guild buddy.

Psychosocial theory also suggests that a strong sense of self enables us to form intimate interpersonal relationships. Hence, feeling disconnected or unclear about our identity during adolescence - who am I? - can contribute to the struggles faced when striving for friendships as young adults. Sequentially, failure to master the formation of lasting relationships can then additionally hinder us from ‘making our mark on the world’, which is the major task of Erikson’s Generativity vs. Stagnation (Seventh Stage) of development (ages 40-65 yrs).

With each developmental stage building or even hinging upon the completion of its predecessor, it makes sense that we would feel pressure to create and maintain friendships even if we are not sure why or tend to err on the side of introversion. How can I ever Pass Go and Collect $200 – or more so – contribute to the world at large and create greater fulfillment, if I don’t have any close friends?

What Can Be Done?

First and foremost, know that you are not alone. As Dr. Kirmayer notes, it is far from uncommon to struggle with friendship as an adult. Often times, our self-imposed beliefs about how a friendship should look, or roles we are meant to play as friends get in our way more than they motivate growth. If you notice yourself falling prey to the ‘shoulds’ and ‘have-tos’, it can be helpful to challenge and reframe those beliefs, by replacing “I really should call my college roommate back” to “I want to call them, I miss our connection”. Chances are, your friends are equally as busy and will be equally as understanding and appreciative to hear from you – even if just for a quick 10-minute catch-up while you finally fold that pile of clean laundry that’s been staring you down from atop the dresser for the past week. Small steps are ok.

A quick “I’m thinking” about you text – or even better, an actual card via snail mail still tells someone they are thought of and valued. It also goes much further than a “like” on social media or racking yourself with guilt to sustain the friendship. Lean into what brings you together rather than what pulls you apart. Did you first bond over a mutual love of quirky 80’s movies? Maybe it’s time for a movie night. You can debate the most quintessential piece of John Hughes’ filmography or how well or not The Breakfast Club translates to a post-baby-boomer demographic rather than bemoaning how you never see each other anymore despite living less than 30 minutes apart. It doesn’t have to be expensive. If going out for dinner or drinks is not in the budget while you save for a down payment on that first home or even just tickets to that music festival you’ve been pining for – perhaps split the cost of ingredients or encourage BYOB and host a make-your-own-pizza kind of night.

Finally, if you find yourself struggling with emotional intimacy in general or feel paralyzed by social anxiety or depression, consider reaching out to a trained therapist or a support group. There are those that want to help, if we let them and can find the courage to ask. It takes strength to reach out for help and trust someone – friend or otherwise – in which to confide.

Thank you for being a friend
Traveled down a road and back again
Your heart is true, you're a pal and a confidant

—Thank You for Being a Friend | Andrew Gold