A Love Letter to Neurodivergence

Dear Reader,

This is for all the people who identify as neurodivergent; I hope you feel seen and validated reading this. This is for anyone questioning whether neurodivergence might be a part of their experience, I hope this answers some of your questions, or at least leads you in a direction that will. This is also for anyone who loves, is friends with, or works with someone who is neurodivergent. In a sense, this post is really for everyone. If you’re reading this and think you don’t know anyone who is neurodivergent, guess again. Neurodivergence is mostly an invisible experience. There’s a fair chance you’re in community with neurodivergent people and don’t know due to stigma, masking, and the simple fact that it’s often just not that obvious. 

Each person has the fundamental right to be loved and accepted for who they are without needing to change or conform to societal expectations. This is essential for neurodivergent individuals who often face significant mental health challenges largely due to societal pressures and stigma. When people are accepted as their true selves, it fosters a sense of belonging and reduces the isolation that exacerbates these mental health challenges. Supporting neurodivergent people means recognizing their unique strengths and needs and allowing them to navigate the world on their own terms. This contributes to an inclusive society where all people are valued and understood. 

What is Neurodivergence?

Neurodivergence is a term that is increasingly being recognized in mainstream culture. You may have seen this term circulating on TikTok or depicted more frequently in television and film. That’s because more people have identified with this experience in recent years. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), roughly 15-20% of the population identifies as neurodivergent, and that percentage is expected to keep increasing as awareness and research continue to expand. But, what does it mean to be neurodivergent?

The word neuro refers to the brain. Its Latin roots mean nerves or nervous system. Neurotypes simply refer to different types of brains. Neurodiversity broadly describes differences in cognitive processes and sensory experiences. Neurotypical is the way that most brains function. Our brains are all wired somewhat differently, so neurodiversity exists regardless of whether you have a neurotypical or neurodivergent brain. Again, you will likely encounter many neurodivergent people in life and never know. All of that is to say that neurodivergence is a term used to describe brains that diverge from the norm. It’s important to understand that there’s no “right” way for your brain to work. Diversity is always worth celebrating.

Neurodivergence is an umbrella term for many different kinds of neurotypes, such as Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), learning disabilities, and more. Synesthesia, Tourette's Syndrome, Dyslexia, Dyscalculia, Dyspraxia, and Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), all fall under this umbrella. Anxiety and panic disorders are more frequently considered a form of neurodivergence as well. The neurodivergent umbrella is constantly evolving as it is still a relatively new way of conceptualizing brain differences. 

ADHD and ASD are most typically associated with the term neurodivergent. ADHD is a neurodivergence (disorder) that affects someone's ability to focus and pay attention, sit still, and/or control their impulses. There are 3 types of ADHD, predominantly hyperactive, predominantly inattentive, or both. ADD is an outdated term because the predominantly inattentive type captures it. People with ADHD tend to need a lot of stimulation in their environment.

Autism Spectrum Disorder is a neurodivergence that affects a person’s ability to interact socially and increases sensitivity to senses. Autistic brains take in way more information because they have more neural connections. All brains go through a pruning system in early development where unnecessary connections between neurons are removed. Autistic brains do go through pruning, but not as much as a neurotypical brain. This is why folks with autism often need less stimulation in their environment. This contributes to what is called “autistic burnout.”  Stimming refers to repetitive or self-stimulating behaviors, such as making movements, and sounds, or saying words that people repeat. Stimming might occur at any time but is often used to calm or self-regulate when someone is overwhelmed. Among other behaviors, stimming might look like someone clapping their hands, tapping their feet, or rubbing or picking their skin. Echolalia is common in autism and involves an involuntary repeating of words or phrases.

AuDHD is a combination of both Autism and ADHD. This probably isn’t a term you have heard of unless you participate in neurodivergent communities. This can be confusing because Autism and ADHD may seem like totally different experiences. There is some overlap though. Both ADHD and Autism are interest-driven. Hyperfocus, the tendency to become completely absorbed in a task, is common in both ADHD and ASD. People with ADHD and ASD tend to experience rejection sensitivity (experiencing rejection more intensely than others) and time blindness (difficulty managing and perceiving time). Before the release of the most recent edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), it was thought that the two conditions could not co-exist. This highlights how this area of understanding is continuously expanding with new research.

Masking is a term used to describe a process by which people may hide their neurodivergent traits and tendencies in attempts to appear normal. Masking can be intentional or an unconscious process learned and adapted over time. This is a term that has been historically used in the Autism community but has been increasingly used for other neurodivergent or mental health experiences. Masking is a strategy that helps people manage social situations, school, and work. It’s a tool people rely on to manage and achieve in those settings, however, it can result in psychological costs. For example, masking can be exhausting and often leads to burnout. It can also be invalidating and cause tension about one’s identity. Some people are high masking, meaning they can conceal their symptoms more, while others are low masking. High support needs and low support needs are also functional labels that are sometimes used within Autism communities. High functioning and low functioning are outdated terms because they are offensive and problematic, and don’t fully capture the complexity of experiences on the spectrum.  

What’s it like being neurodivergent?

There’s nothing wrong with being neurodivergent. Remember, different isn’t bad. It’s okay to have needs that are different from other people’s. Many qualities that neurodivergent people possess turn out to be gifts that can help them excel in their careers and lives, such as heightened empathy and compassion, unique perspectives, advanced problem-solving skills, attention to detail, the ability to hyper-focus, creativity and imagination, and a passion for social justice and fairness. One thing I want to be careful of though, is sounding too much like a cheerleader. For neurodivergent people, the struggles are so real.

Most challenges arise for neurodivergent individuals because the world is structured for neurotypical brains. It’s not just having this neurotype alone that causes dysregulation, but rather, certain environments that send the neurodivergent individual into sensory overload or burnout over time. Being neurodivergent is often traumatic for people. Quite literally, a neurodivergent experience involves some degree of nervous system dysregulation, especially in cases of ADHD, ASD, and sensory processing disorders. 

Nervous system dysregulation is a key component of trauma. Psychologist and founder of Somatic Experiencing, Peter Levine’s definition of trauma is anything “too much, too soon, or too little (i.e. in cases of neglect)” for our nervous system to handle. I appreciate this broad definition of trauma. This helps us understand that trauma is not only about the event itself but how our bodies interpret the experience. Peter Levine also defines trauma as experiencing fear in the face of helplessness. There’s a lot of overlap with how trauma and neurodivergence presents. 

Everybody has a nervous system. The nervous system runs throughout our entire body and has different states. The sympathetic nervous system state is known as the “Fight or Flight” response to a threat. This state also includes other responses such as Freeze, Fawn (to please someone to avoid conflict), and Flop (to become unresponsive and faint). These are all survival responses. They are all primal and adaptive because they can help you survive. The parasympathetic nervous system state, known as the “Rest and Digest” state, is reached when the body is relaxed and can focus on internal processes like digestion. 

Dysregulated is another term you’re probably hearing more of. This happens when the parasympathetic and sympathetic nervous system are out of balance. Psychiatrist Dan Siegel, M.D., introduced the concept of the “Window of Tolerance”. The window of tolerance describes the nervous system at its optimal level of arousal, where people can access their executive functioning skills (thanks to the brain's prefrontal cortex that allows for planning, organizing, and regulating emotions), be present, and respond effectively. It’s characterized by a sense of groundedness, openness, and ability to connect with other people. When you’re out of your window of tolerance, you’re either in a state of hyperarousal or hypoarousal. Hyperarousal looks like hypervigilance, heightened anxiety, and irritability. Hypoarousal is also a stress response but looks like shutdown, numbness, disconnection from reality, and dissociation. In the long run, hypoarousal looks like burnout or depression.

Everyone gets dysregulated. Everyone’s window of tolerance is also a little different, meaning every person has a personal capacity to handle distress and tolerate big emotions and challenging experiences. There is nothing to be cured. Your body is designed to be in these different states, but it is important to be able to move in and out of them. The goal is to be able to stay regulated for longer periods and to be able to move from one dysregulated state back into your window of tolerance without getting stuck. It’s common for people to get stuck in a trauma state, and not even realize it. Trauma can shrink your window of tolerance and make you more reactive to stress. Neurodivergent folks tend to be chronically dysregulated. You can work towards widening your window of tolerance though. When you learn how the nervous system works and about various ways to get your body back into its window of tolerance, you learn how to become less reactive to stress and increase your capacity to experience the full range of your emotions.

Growing up neurodivergent is also a traumatic experience in and of itself. Neurodivergent kids attempt to fit in socially and meet developmental milestones based on standardized criteria. This is where masking comes into play. Many people experience deep shame about their differences and confusion about why they are the way they are. When neurodivergence is overlooked and not diagnosed, kids are often considered shy, weird, unique, and/or misunderstood. Growing up neurodivergent is especially traumatic if you are undiagnosed. Especially because there is not an obvious physical difference, neurodivergent kids tend to internalize beliefs that they are somehow like everyone else, but worse or defective. They will likely feel stupid or not good enough as they struggle to understand and accept themselves. 

What’s next?   

For the most part, people are the experts in their own lives. I hold this sentiment very close to me and it has been a guiding principle in my work as a therapist. Receiving a mental health diagnosis is generally fraught with both pros and cons. It can be especially empowering, however, for neurodivergent people to receive a diagnosis. These labels can help people understand that their brains are not broken, but rather they just work differently. Finding a label can be very comforting.

While aligning with a diagnosis can be very affirming, the process of getting assessed can be challenging as it can be expensive and time-consuming. The mental health world is catching up in the realm of neurodivergence. It may or may not be worth it to pursue an official diagnosis. Even in the mental health field, there’s a lot of stigma and misunderstanding. It’s difficult to identify and diagnose neurodivergence and there’s a long history of misdiagnosis. Historically, girls and people of color were not diagnosed with ADHD or ASD. Things are changing in recent years, but historically all disorders in the DSM were normalized based on middle-class white men. These experiences are deeply personal. No two people with Autism or ADHD are alike. There is a vast range of traits and tendencies that a person may or may not experience. Two people may have the same diagnosis yet experience a different set of symptoms. There are plenty of neurodivergent-friendly providers out there. It’s all about researching and using discernment when pursuing mental health care. There is also validity to self-diagnosis if one has done a lot of research, self-exploration, and sought out the help of a professional like a therapist or other neurodivergent folks with lived experience. If you need accommodations, you have the right to ask for those, whether you have a formal diagnosis or not.

You might be reading this and wondering how you can help the neurodivergent people in your life. Even though our brains are all wired slightly differently, all human brains are wired for connection. This is a basic need that we all have. For connection to occur, we must experience a felt sense of safety. In the 1940s, psychologist Abraham Maslow published the Hierarchy of Needs, a pyramid depicting the order of human needs from the bottom up. Physiological needs are at the lowest level, which includes the most basic things we need to survive, like food, water, clothes, and housing. Next on this hierarchy is safety. Once safety is achieved, love and belonging can occur. Feeling safe entails a sense of security and protection both physically and emotionally. Emotional safety involves knowing you can be yourself and express your thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment, harm, or rejection. Safety allows for relaxation, authenticity, and trust that your vulnerabilities will be respected and supported. Feeling safe in relationships fosters the ability to grow, thrive, and be confident.

As mentioned before, it can feel embarrassing and shameful to be neurodivergent and to talk about it with others. It’s very vulnerable to share about neurodivergent experiences, but it’s also necessary. You can create safety for your loved ones by building a warm, loving, and compassionate environment based on nonjudgment and curiosity. Consistency is important too. Check in regularly, plan around people’s particular needs, establish routines, and talk openly about differences. It signals safety to let your loved ones know that struggling is normal. Sharing and talking about it helps when we feel validated and cared for.

There’s also sometimes space to work through things collaboratively. If it involves your relationship, communicate how you can figure out what works best for each of you and be willing to make accommodations. If it is something they are sharing with you but does not involve you, check in about what the person’s needs are in sharing. A simple rule of thumb in any relationship (neurodivergent or not) is to say something like, “Thank you for sharing. I am here for you and want to support you. I am listening. Would you like me to simply validate and empathize with your experience or are you hoping for problem solving and solutions?” Oftentimes, what we need most of all is to feel heard.

People deserve to be believed about who they are and what they say their experiences are. Even if someone else’s experiences seem confusing to you or you do not think they are neurodivergent, that does not mean that you have a better understanding of who someone is. As I’ve laid out here, these experiences are layered and complex. There is a ton of misunderstanding and misinformation about neurodivergence in the general public. Many people do not have an accurate understanding of neurodiversity, although this is starting to shift with increased awareness and dialogue. Take it upon yourself to do further reading, listen to podcasts, join a support group, or simply ask and allow people to tell you about their experiences. 

So, it’s important to stay open-minded. Above all else, people deserve to be loved and accepted as they are, without pressure to change or fit into a box that was not made for them. This is especially important considering neurodivergent people are at much more risk for depression, anxiety, thinking about and dying by suicide, and substance abuse. This goes back to that deep-seated belief that “something is wrong with me.” But, nothing is wrong and nothing needs to be fixed. You can remind yourself and your loved ones that your brain works beautifully and is needed. Whether you’re on your journey of self-discovery as a neurodivergent person or you want to learn more about the neurodivergent people in your life, go slow and be gentle with yourself. It takes a lot of time and effort to change your patterns of thinking, learn how to regulate yourself, and have vulnerable conversations.

With warmth and gratitude, 

Kaitlyn Folkes, M.A.

References: 

CDC Data and Statistics (2024) 

https://www.cdc.gov/adhd/data/index.html

https://www.cdc.gov/autism/data-research/index.html

The Developing Mind Daniel J. Siegel (1999) 

The Myth of Normal by Gabor Matė (2023) 

Unmasking Autism: Discovering the New Faces of Neurodiversity by Devon Price, PhD (2022) 

Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma by Peter A. Levine, PhD (1997) 

Your Brain’s Not Broken by Tamara Rosier, PhD (2021) 

What Are Your Internal Dialogues Trying to Protect You From?

By Concentric Therapist Intern Mara Hundrieser-Acosta, B.A. (Clinical Mental Health Counselor M.A.)

I know I am not the only one that has internal conversations with different parts of myself. Just going back and forth with what I should have done, said, or even experienced. I recently lost my mother to cancer. When someone asks me “How are you doing? I answer with “ I am doing ok, just taking it one day at a time.” but on the inside, my brain is struggling. The actual answer in my mind is, “ I miss my mom, I wish I could see her.” and then another part of my mind answers “I have to cook dinner, wash clothes, put them away, and so much more to do, I feel so overwhelmed.” and another part says, “People will think you don’t have a handle on your life if you let them know how you truly feel.” So, I end up giving a generic answer and smile. 

The conversation inside my mind keeps going even though on the outside I am smiling and making small talk. Sometimes when we have been through hard times, we develop a strong voice that keeps us “in check.” When we view this through an Internal Family Systems (IFS) lens, it's called a Manager. We all have these internal conversations. No, there is nothing wrong with us; it’s just part of how we take care of ourselves internally. You might wonder what I mean about how we take care of ourselves internally. We all go back and forth with all of our parts to try to navigate our lives through stress, anxiety, depression, painful situations, and trauma. Through IFS we can learn what these parts need in order to feel at peace in our life. 

“IFS guides us to offer deep understanding and credible help to the critic and the innumerable other parts who populate our clients’ inner worlds, some of whom long to transform but are stuck in extreme, destructive roles.” -Schwartz & Sweezy (2020)

What is IFS?

Internal Family Systems (IFS), a model of therapy and an approach to better understand ourselves, was developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz. He has worked on the development of IFS for over 40 years.  Dr. Schwartz holds a Ph.D. in Marriage and Family Therapy and was trained to view and understand people through a systematic lens.  After years of working with families and individuals, Dr. Schwartz noticed how clients would speak about their different inner parts. Just like I shared my internal dialogue about being asked about me in relation to my mother. 

While in session with clients, Dr. Schwartz’s patients would share how they would go back and forth with different parts of themselves.  Dr. Schwartz noticed those parts also operate within a system similar to how a system of family operates. For example, a family system consists of different family members, roles or parts (e.g. parents, children) that interact with each other.  

If we look at humanity or systems with a very wide lens, we notice a system is always in place, starting with our solar system. Dr. Schwartz was able to recognize there is a system that consists of people’s inner parts.  These parts are called Managers, Firefighters, and Exiles. These parts have developed to protect us from harm, trauma, and difficult experiences that have left a wound inside our psyche. They all have a specific role that falls under a three-group system. All of our parts are good, even though they might seem mean or aggressive at times. 

The goal of IFS is to help people become Self-led, which means that their various parts feel loved by the Self and trust the Self’s leadership. IFS therapy has a gentle way to ease the pain of people’s experiences and parts and to help navigate the internal turmoil one often faces throughout life. 

The Roles of Parts: A Three-Group System

In order to understand further this three-group system we need to understand that each group or also called protective parts (Managers, Exiles, and Firefighters) doesn't have just one personality. There are different kinds of Managers; each one has its own role to play, as well as the Exiles and the Firefighters to protect us internally. These three-group systems work with each other and sometimes what feels like against each other in order to keep us safe internally. 

In other words…

One group tends to be highly protective, strategic, and interested in controlling the internal or external environment to keep things safe. In IFS, we call the members of this group Managers. 

A second group contains the most sensitive members of the system. When these parts feel injured or outraged, Managers will banish them for their own protection and the good of the whole system. We call them Exiles. 

A third group tries to stifle, anesthetize, or distract from the feelings of Exiles, reacting powerfully and automatically, without concern for consequences, to their distress as well as to the over-inhibition of Managers. We call these members Firefighters. 

Trauma & Internal Family Systems 

According to Schwartz & Sweezy (2020), internal systems (parts) that are responding to trauma not only divide into these roles, but the protective parts (Managers and Firefighters) also form alliances and get into conflicts with each other and can be very harsh or smothering with the Exile they are trying to protect or ward off. The sadder, more terrified, ashamed, rageful, or sexually charged an Exile is, the more protectors legitimately fear its release and the more extreme they become in their efforts to suppress and constrain them. In turn, the more an exile is suppressed, the more it tries to break out. In this way all three groups become victims of an escalating cycle of internecine* conflict. 

*internecine: destructive to both sides in a conflict.

Example: The more ashamed I feel about a traumatic event that happened to me the more scared the Managers and Firefighters are of me releasing or admitting this shame. So, the Managers and Firefighters will try really hard for me to suppress that shame. Which can mean one can begin to use drugs and alcohol to control that shame, or become very narcissistic in order to push it way down. The Managers and Firefighters believe that if one releases or admits this shame, it (the part) will ultimately fall apart. 

Childhood & Internal Family Systems

The Self can be forceful and protective. Children who have experienced developmental trauma or any abuse of their independence, spontaneity, leadership (or other traits that rely on courage themselves) begin to suppress their courageous side. It takes tremendous courage to go toward terrifying places in the psyche. Many protectors avoid stepping out of their roles because they believe the person would be weak and passive without them. Protectors always have intense fears about allowing clients to open the door to Exiles they locked away years ago in inner dark places. When a client says they are afraid to do something, we know a part in their inner world is speaking. But once the part understands the fearless nature of the Self, its fear (and emotional pain, shame, and rage) surrenders.

IFS Therapy has 4 Goals:

1. To liberate parts from the roles they have been forced into, freeing them to be who they were designed to be.

2. To restore faith in The Self and in Self-Leadership.

3. To re-harmonize the inner system.

4. To encourage the person or client to become increasingly Self-led in their interactions with the world.

So, What Does This All Mean? 

The intention of IFS is for the client to access, experience, and be Self-led, to feel safe, to learn their inner world, and understand how their parts work together or against each other in order to protect them. The more we learn and understand about our parts and what they are trying to tell us; it then becomes easier to identify when they get activated. Understanding who we are, where we have been, and what has hurt us, is what is going to give us the opportunities to heal ourselves. The end goal is to be able to be our own saviors, but to get there we must be willing to surrender and be open to learning. 

Once a person experiences faith in The Self and in Self-leadership, the IFS therapist seeks to help the client develop the Eight C’s. 

The Eight C’s

Curiosity: The client learns to be inquisitive, and have interest rather than be judgmental or fearful. This is where one comes with no agenda, one just wants to learn, know, and understand. There is a sense of feeling at ease and moving forward with wonder. There is a sense of safety that opens the door to vulnerability. 

Calm: After being in a high alert state, where one’s nervous system is often aroused, Self-leadership does the opposite by creating a sense of calm that is both physical and mental. The client is able to accept life on its own terms and there is a sense of resilience and assertiveness. 

Courage: When a client says they are afraid to do something in the inner world, we know a part is speaking. But once the part understands the fearless nature of The Self, its fear (and emotional pain, shame, and rage) surrenders. 

Confidence: The Self validates and comforts its Exiles bringing about an infectious air of confidence, conveying to protector parts that it is safe to relax instead of trying to “let it go and move on” (the typical protector advice that encourages people to abandon and isolate their burdened young parts), injuries can be healed. When Exiles are unburdened, the system becomes less delicate and less reactive, and protective parts are more inclined to trust Self-leadership. 

Connectedness: The Self, in its natural state, experiences the sense of connectedness. Instead of trying really hard to obtain a connection with someone, through trauma bonding.  The Self can now move through the world in harmony. Connectedness links with calm and confidence which altogether links up The Divine. 

The Divine: Through extensive research by Dr. Richard Schwartz this is what he describes as The Divine. “Though they used different words, all the esoteric traditions within the major religions – Buddhism, Hinduism, Christianity, Judaism, Islam – emphasized their same core belief: we are sparks of the eternal flame, manifestations of the absolute ground of being. It turns out that the Divine within – what the Christians call the soul or Christ Consciousness, Buddhists call Buddha Nature, the Hindus Atman, the Taoists Tao, the Sufis the Beloved, the Quakers the Inner Light.” 

Clarity: One can see things more clearly. The distortions are no longer in effect and the extreme beliefs ease as one can see authenticity. Our vision is clear when we see through the eyes of the Self versus when our vision is distorted through the eyes of extreme parts.

Creativity: It’s believed that once the inner turmoil and constant struggle start to quiet down and The Self becomes the leader (aka Self-led), creativity can emerge naturally. This means once the managers start to relax, we can problem-solve with greater ease which becomes second nature. 

Compassion:  Once a client finds some separation or healthy distance from their angry or scared part, they can now see these parts from a compassionate lens.  They can express how sad or sorry they are for those parts and are willing to help them heal. This inherent desire to help their suffering parts signifies and taps into compassion. 

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I hope that after reading all this information there is a part of you that feels compelled to explore IFS. I want to say to “the part” of you that has that interest, that feels like it has been lost, in pain, or any other unresolved feelings; you are important and you deserve to be seen and heard. If you are wondering which part that might be, I am talking to your Self-led part; the part that might be hiding in the shadows for a while. 

We live in a time where we are overworked, overwhelmed, on the go, not getting enough sleep, expecting to be everything and nothing at all, where we have to walk on eggshells, but make a difference. It’s no wonder that our Self-led part feels so overwhelmed and just lost. This is the time when we need to slow down and rebel; which translates to going inside, getting curious about your parts, and reconnecting to who we truly are meant to be.

I know it might sound like a big ask, yet if you go back and read about The Eight C’s and imagine experiencing them, I think it’s all worth the journey of healing. The idea of feeling liberated is what motivates me through the IFS lens. I wish for you and my clients to feel liberated from whatever has been holding you back from being your most authentic self and be connected to your Divine. 

So, next time you have those internal conversations bring awareness to what each part is saying, and ask them what they truly need. They are trying to protect you even if they might sound very harsh or act maladaptively; they just haven’t learned a better way, yet, to communicate with you. Even if you don’t think you have the power within you to heal, to reframe those inner dialogues; you actually do, it’s inside you.

Resources for Consideration

Books: IFS online store | IFS Institute 

Videos: Dr. Richard Schwartz explains Internal Family Systems (IFS) Dr. Richard Schwartz Has A Radical Approach To Healing

Podcast: Multiplicity of the Mind: An Approach To Healing the Inner Self | Dr. Richard Schwartz X Rich Roll

The Misunderstandings of Anger

By Concentric Counselor Ashley Smith (Guerrero), LSW, CADC

Anger is a tricky thing. Emotions are not often identified as tricky and complex, but anger is one of few exceptions to this. To be angry, is to be described as negative, bad, destructive, and heavy. While anger is neither good nor bad, its constant bad press interferes and hinders our desire to reflect and understand it. If we do not understand it, how can we include it when communicating emotions?

Anger is an internal call deeply rooted in our body’s fight or flight system, built, and strengthened through the millions of years in which humans existed. Simply put, this system is our body’s most primitive one and when needed, provides us with a boost of energy (from cortisol/adrenaline) so that we can respond to external dangers and triggers.

This primitive system at its core is an automatic defense mechanism that alerts us to promptly respond to triggers and dangers in moments of stress. While the basic function of this system is well intended and perhaps necessary, it highlights the complexities of the anger emotion and therefore, makes it that much more difficult to explore and understand.

Albeit confusing and difficult to unpack, the key to understanding anger is a deep exploration of its misunderstandings.

Let us explore some of the misunderstandings of anger.

Misunderstanding #1: Anger is a bad emotion.

Anger is neither good nor bad however, in the absence of control, it is paralyzing and igniting. To equip ourselves from it taking control of us, we must become curious about what it is and how it flows through the body. Although anger is often viewed as a silo of an emotion, it consists of not one, but three components: emotional, behavioral, and cognitive. All three occur simultaneously, creating a synergy of responses.

Behavioral Response: Behavioral responses to anger range in expressions from being internal (resentment, irritability), external (verbal, throwing, aggression) and sideways (manipulation, sarcasm). Such responses are what people often see and hear and is the crux of its bad rap.

There is no denying such behavioral responses are unpleasant, but it is simply one aspect of anger, and we need to allocate as much attention to the emotional and cognitive responses as we do to its behavioral counterpart.

Emotional Response: Anger is a secondary emotion meaning it occurs in response to other emotions (sadness, worry, guilt, embarrassment, betrayal). The key is to not only understand anger but also where the reaction is coming from. When we understand its driving forces, we expose the internal confrontations of our emotions and begin the journey towards strengthening our emotional intelligence and sharpen our communication with others.

Cognitive Response: Expressions such as “that person made me so angry” overlooks that thoughts occur prior to and during angry feelings. Our thoughts and interpretation of an event influence behavioral responses. Similarly, to our emotional response it is important to recognize thoughts passing through our mind and where they stem from…” Do I need reassurance? Am I longing for something?”

For the reasons above, anger is a necessary emotion that requires exploration and tenderness, understanding and cultivating. Understanding anger requires a relationship with it; one filled with patience, curiosity, and compassion. When we befriend our anger, we can safely explore its activators, and therefore harness, and channel it in a productive manner. When anger is harnessed, we are more empowered, motivated towards change, and able to deepen connections within ourselves and others.

Misunderstanding #2: Other people make me angry.

It is important to reflect on where the anger is stemming from, not who. When looking into where anger arises from, a place often overlooked is a person’s value system. We all have values but don’t always allow space to reflect on what they are, and more importantly, why specific values are of importance. Oftentimes, anger can be triggered when a “value chord” is struck. When this happens, it is a physical reminder of your value (s) and requires questioning and exploring the following: 

1.     What value is the trigger striking?

2.     Why is this value important to me?

3.     What is this reaction showing about me?

Reflecting and exploring the origins of the anger provides an opportunity to explain it, rather than haphazardly express it. When we welcome others into this space, it opens doors to solutions, rather than arguments.

Misunderstanding #3: Venting anger is helpful.

Venting anger stems from a Freudian theory of emotional catharsis. This theory suggests that it not released, bottled feelings of frustration and aggression lead to internal pressures, in the same way air fills a balloon until eventually, it pops.

Research has since debunked Freud’s emotional catharsis theory and in fact, found that venting can lead to increased difficulty to cope and even, manage anger. Contrary to Freudian’s theory, current research shows that acting out anger and aggression leads to increased hostility, allows for lashing out and increases levels of distress. Repeated acts of venting anger allow for faster and easier triggering. This constant and automatic, reinforcement increases the odds of anger being a quick and automated response when triggered. The act of lashing out anger is counter-productive; it leads to less-than-ideal responses to stressors. Science has taught us that acting out anger through benign behaviors such as punching or yelling into a pillow is both unsustainable and ineffective when learning to understand and control it.

When we reflect on where anger comes from and our triggers to this emotion, we can learn more about ourselves and how to effectively explain our feelings of anger and moreover, learn to experience the emotion in ways that are healthy and sustainable. The key to navigating our anger is to understand, explain it and channel it through constructive outlets.

                                                            References and Additional Resources

Cirino, Erica. “Anger Management Exercises: 9 Exercises to Help Curb Your Anger.” Anger Management Exercises to Help You Stay Calm, Healthline Media, 4 Dec. 2018, https://www.healthline.com/health/anger-management-exercises.

Hayes, Stephen. “The Simple Guide to Value Triggers | Psychology Today.” The Simple Guide to Value Triggers, Psychology Today, 11 Aug. 2019, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/get-out-your-mind/201908/the-simple-guide-value-triggers.

Oldenburg, Don. “Angry? Don't Punch That Pillow -- Calm down Instead.” The Washington Post, WP Company, 29 Mar. 1999, https://www.washingtonpost.com/archive/lifestyle/1999/03/29/angry-dont-punch-that-pillow-calm-down-instead/5fcea917-965e-41c5-a0ef-738a1f56a823/.

Roberts, Caroline. “ 5 Healthier Ways to Deal with Anger Instead of Venting.” Venting Your Anger Can Make You More Stressed out -- Do These Things Instead, CNET, 16 Nov. 2019, https://www.cnet.com/health/5-healthier-ways-to-deal-with-anger-instead-of-venting/.

Salters-Pedneault, Kristalyn. “Venting Anger May Not Be Good for Borderline Personality Disorder.” Is V\Venting Your Anger a Good Idea?, Verywell Mind, 19 July 2019, https://www.verywellmind.com/how-you-vent-anger-may-not-be-good-for-bpd-425393#:~:text=Research%20suggests%20that%20letting%20off,way%20to%20control%20your%20anger.&text=While%20you%20may%20temporarily%20feel,your%20anger%20down%20the%20road.

Scott, James. “Exploring the Complexity of Anger ...” Scott Free Clinic, 1 Dec. 2017, https://www.scottfreeclinic.org/2017/11/29/exploring-the-complexity-of-anger/.

Seltzer, Leon. “6 Virtues, and 6 Vices, of Venting.” Psychology Today, Sussex Publishers, 2 Apr. 2014, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evolution-the-self/201404/6-virtues-and-6-vices-venting.

Essential Workers & COVID: Time and Space for You

By Concentric Psychotherapist Kylie Cherpes, LCSW, MFT-IT, CYT

In times of great stress, such as now with the COVID-19 pandemic, we each find that we have our own unique way of getting through. Some people find comfort by burrowing in at home and disconnecting from constant reminders of their fears. Others juggle between caring for their vulnerable loved ones and carving out time to connect with the support that they themselves need. Some turn their stress into energy towards solving problems or creating something new. While others hit the ground running, called to serve their community. Though we are all under cumulative stress and doing our best to face changes in our day-to-day norms, some, such as Essential Workers, are being impacted exponentially. Essential Workers are being asked to do more and risk more, all while having less access to what would normally help them respond to and recover from their stress.  

Essential Workers continue their work in environments physically underprepared for a pandemic. In a time that feels precarious, Essential Workers are asked both to stay calm and to stay flexible while managing ever-changing recommendations on how to keep their workplace, selves, and families safe. They spend hours reading, learning, and preparing protocols and responses to “what-if” scenarios that breed uncertainty and anxiety. Even after all of the precautions they take, they wonder if it will be enough to keep their work-family safe. When they leave work to go home they find it hard to relax as guilt, worry, and fear about possibly carrying the virus home to their loved ones enters their mind. Though they may have reached for their family and friends for help, love, and reassurance before, it now seems too risky. Where they would go for support and stress relief before, like churches, gyms, bars, and social outings, are no longer options. And even when there is time for it, it is hard to get restful sleep. 

When unable to respond to stress, especially on-going (chronic) or traumatic stress, the body, mind, emotions, and spirit start to show wear and tear. Those under chronic stress may notice that raw feelings such as fear, anger, helplessness, and sadness seem to be lingering, or other common changes such as an increase in irritability, numbness, bitterness, or detachment (that “spaced-out” or “distant” feeling). Chronic stress can also show up as headaches, stomach aches, and muscle pain, or changes in appetite and sleep. Sometimes those under chronic stress may not even be the first to notice the impact it is having, but instead, those closest to them do. For instance, slips in memory or ability to recall information, mistakes at work that used to be uncommon, or shifts in hygiene and self-care regime may be noticed by work colleagues. Family and friends of those under chronic stress may see their loved one’s constant exhaustion, zoning out, adopting an abnormally cynical outlook on life, or lacking the ability to find pleasure in things they had once experienced as enjoyable. 

As therapists, we can close gaps in the care being offered to Essential Workers by providing access to the mental and emotional support they deserve. To support Essential Workers’ day-to-day functioning and healing, we hold space for them to process and release stress and trauma. Just as each Essential Worker has their own unique way of responding to their stress and trauma, each therapist has their own unique approach and is able to tailor care to each individual they work with. Whether it be brief or long-term, therapy is a safe place for self-expression and a secure place to find relief from fears, anxieties, anger, and sadness. Further, therapy is a place of creativity and strategy, used for building coping skills to reduce distress and restore feelings of stability and hope. 

At this time, we know that the Coronavirus is not going away anytime soon and that things may indeed get worse before they get better. We also know Essential Workers will continue to be asked to bear the brunt of this pandemic with limited space (time, resources, and support) to respond to their stress in their own unique ways. It is not an option to wait to address the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual needs resulting from the chronic and traumatic stress being endured by our Essential Workers. Unaddressed chronic and traumatic stress does not just go away, it accumulates. As therapists, we see the effects of these stressful days mounting on our Essential Workers, and we respond to say, “We are your Allies.”

Special Announcement: During April through May 2020, Concentric Counseling & Consulting is offering short-term telehealth and virtual video counseling to Essential Workers during these challenging times due to Coronavirus (COVID-19). We are all incredibly grateful for all that you do and we want to give back! You can use your health insurance for teletherapy. Also, for those who do not have insurance coverage or have certain insurance plans and have endured financial hardship due to the impact of COVID, we are offering sliding fee and pro bono to a limited number of Essential Workers.

A Thoughtfully Designed & Researched Blueprint of Your Relationship & Marriage

By Concentric Counselors Katie Ho, LPC, NCC & Jennifer Larson, LCPC, NCC

A large part of the human experience, including the joys, losses and challenges, gravitate around relationships. In social and cultural regards, finding a partner and committing to a person can be a marker of happiness, success or accomplishment. But like with any experience, obstacles lay ahead. All couples find themselves navigating conflict, life transitions or faced with heavy decisions, and the related stress that comes with these expected issues.

There are some couples, however, which continue to exist in this perpetual conflict - one that doesn’t appear to have any resolution and creates continual gridlock. Or perhaps there has been a significant breach of trust, or betrayal. Maybe communication is poor, and creates dysfunction during arguments or otherwise, or possibly there has been a traumatic event which has challenged the feelings of safety within the relationship. All of these reasons, and those that might even fall in-between, can be indicators that a couple may benefit from entering couples therapy.

Seeking couples therapy takes courage, as much as it takes hope - hope that the relationship can be repaired or healed, or maybe hope that both individuals can find strength in different directions. Using over 40 years of research, The Gottman Method - developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman - has helped couples and clinicians create a blueprint of understanding the dysfunction within relationships and the need for building friendship, shared meaning and intimacy. This method was created to serve a deep need in helping find effective intervention for couples looking for repair, healing and happiness. It serves as a theory in which people are able to know both themselves and their partner on a more meaningful level, fostering intimacy, positive affect and skillful conflict management.

When a couple is seeking therapy, there can sometimes be an already significant level of distress present. In their research, the Gottmans found that on average it can take up to 6 years before a couple will seek therapy! This can mean there is a long history of experiences, life phases or challenges that have a need to be explored and understood. Partners may feel overwhelmed, flooded or unsure of where to even begin the healing journey. This highlights the need for a trained couples therapist, equipped with scientific evidence-based practices and the skills to empathize equally with both individuals to help navigate that process.

In working to repair and strengthen a relationship, much like with building a house, there has to be certain core foundational components. The Sound Relationship House from the Gottman Method explains that at its roots, marriage and relationships need to be built on friendship. The essential components of friendship are described as ‘Building Love Maps’, ‘Sharing Fondness and Admiration’ and ‘Turning Towards’. In the first mentioned, to build a Love Map means to truly understand know your partner’s internal world.

People’s internal world changes over time; who are the current people they are involved with, what are their immediate and long-term hopes and dreams, ambitions, or experiences from childhood that may be playing into their current situations. Asking open-ended questions, remembering the answers and actively listening promotes genuine connectedness and friendship. Sharing fondness and admiration, and turning towards your partner, are other components to strengthening and building the friendship of a marriage or relationship. They focus on scanning the environment for what one’s partner is doing right and engaging in appreciation, affection and respect. Additionally, the last level of foundation in ‘turning towards’ describes opportunities for couples to accept and receive bids from the other partner for emotional connection.

The higher levels of The Sound Relationship House include ‘The Positive Perspective’, ‘Manage Conflict’, ‘Make Life Dreams Come True’ and ‘Create Shared Meaning’. These levels of building a healthy relationship are built upon those above-mentioned ideas of friendship. They encompass skills necessary to navigate conflict and life changes, promoting positive affect and a deeper understanding of their partner’s underlying values and dreams and building a life of meaning together. Couples therapy addresses both the necessity for positive connection and friendship, while also acknowledging the dysfunction which makes that task more challenging.

Construction of homes need to be buttressed and supported by its internal supports otherwise houses would collapse.  The same is true of intimate relationships. Every relationship or marriage needs the supports and pillars of 'Trust' and 'Commitment' for stability, safety, and security.  If the 'Trust' or 'Commitment' reinforcements on The Sound Relationship House have been significantly damaged, the relationship can feel shattered and even decimated requiring much repairing and rebuilding.  Sometimes a relationship can be so damaged so that we tell couples relationship #1 has been damaged as if a hurricane or storm came barreling through wiping out your home.  The devastation and trauma is real, but with hope, commitment, and efforts, we can help you re-build relationship #2 as in the case when people experience great natural disaster in their communities requiring building home #2.  Some feel as though it requires blood, sweat and tears, but building relationship #2 can be done collaboratively with the support and care of a highly, skilled and trained couples therapist.   

Having the skills to identify and change maladaptive communication styles and behaviors that plague relationships is of equal value. In our work at Concentric Counseling & Consulting and using the Gottman Method, we incorporate the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse - which is a metaphor in describing what can be a predictor for the end of a relationship. These include criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. In working with couples to address these maladaptive behaviors, the couples therapist will explain the antidotes, or remedies to address these bad habits in the work towards building healthier ones.

The goal for any couple is to promote understanding, connection, love, growth, and healing. That can look differently for every couple, as every couple experiences their own unique set of challenges and circumstances. The benefit of seeking a therapist trained in a data-driven theory and method such as the Gottman Method is that interventions and treatment plans are tailored to that couples’ needs through the use of thorough assessments and a framework that has been built based on research. The process to having a better, more enjoyable and healthy relationship takes commitment and hard work, but the reward exists within both the outcome and the journey.

For more information on The Gottman Method and services offered by Gottman-trained therapists at Concentric Counseling & Consulting, visit https://www.gottman.com/ and www.concentricchicago.com/couples-marriage-counseling.