How to Open a Door When Coronavirus is Closing our Doors

By Concentric Owner Jennifer Larson, LCPC, NCC

Originally posted in The Sounds newspaper, Volume 43, Number 15 on April 4, 2020 and later in published in the Illinois Mental Health Counselors Association (IMHCA), a division of Illinois Counseling Association (ICA), News Update. Click here.

You know the saying “When One Door Closes, Another Door Opens”? During this time, we can’t help to notice closed doors everywhere, from schools to restaurants to places of worship to retailers. Even our home doors are closed, keeping others away and containing us inside.  It may seem overly optimistic to think this quote holds true during this extraordinary and challenging time with COVID-19 knocking on everyone’s door.  Alarm bells are sounded within us daily, the threats are real and experienced by so many, and some of us feel our life has been hijacked.  So how can we during this time envision doors opening up or experience something positive from all of this? 

I am by no means suggesting doors are flying wide-open given the sheer number of doors that are literally closed and even locked. But, if you can take a moment to pause, focus and be intentional, you may find that you can open doors to otherwise missed opportunities. 

Psychotherapist and author Esther Perel states when faced with our own existential anxieties it can open the door to fully living.  Some of us may have been living life on auto-pilot depriving ourselves of certain reflections, experiences or opportunities. So, what does living fully exactly mean?

It can mean a lot of things, but to start, it can mean experiencing each moment and each day in the here-and-now noticing and appreciating all of life’s offerings. Perhaps you had been more disconnected from yourself, no longer appreciating your talents, thoughts, feelings and your body’s capabilities -- which you can now fully appreciate.  Or taking a moment to get out of your head to be fully present and connected with another person can offer you an opportunity to be transported, experiencing life through a different lens other than your own.  Also, fully activating your senses can bring about a subtle, yet powerful sense of fully living.  Consider next time you take a walk outside, notice all of your surroundings paying attention to each of your senses. Notice your positive feelings as you attune to your senses.  

Shawn Achor, an educator, researcher, and author, offers a number of research-based ways to live a happier life. One of them is to take a few minutes each day to write down 1 positive experience within the last 24 hours and provide 3 rich details about that experience. Also, write down your gratitudes, giving specific details.  And reach out to someone to fully express why you appreciate them.  We know giving to others not only makes us feel better, but helps the person on the receiving end feel happier too.

And last, what is something you can look forward to when the shelter-at-home Executive Order is lifted and you can bust out the sheltered seams?  Will it be something specific such as dining at your favorite restaurant?  A ritual or practice you will reacquaint with again?  For me, it will be telling myself “I get to go here or I get do this” which represents a door opening into seeing how choice and freedom are true gifts.

Remember The Weatherperson?

By Concentric Counselor Christian Younginer, LPC, NCC

What We Wish Life Were Like

The Curiosity rover landed on Mars August 6th, 2012, the end of a flight that began November 26th, 2011-- 9 months prior. At its traveling speeds, all predetermined by NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory (JPL), scientists had to calculate where an orbiting planet would be 9 months from the moment of launch. In fact, they needed to know where Mars would be years in advance as they began building and programming the rover. They were able to plan for, predict, and pinpoint the location of a planet hurtling through space at 53,600 mph, rotating at 532 mph down to the meter to land a rover on its surface.

This is possible due to the predictability of the celestial bodies. Astronomers from thousands of years ago plotted out eclipses for hundreds of generations into the future, with impressive accuracy. It’s that there just aren’t very many variables in space; bodies in motion stay in motion, unless a force acts on them. And if no force does, they keep on trucking. Thus, their location is predictable. This does not mean that any part of landing a rover on another planet is easy--it’s just possible.

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What Life Is Actually Like

Conversely, it is a common occurrence that shuttle launches are cancelled, last minute, tanks fueled, on the pad- due to weather… Earth weather. A shuttle, bound for space, to another planet, is grounded because humans cannot accurately predict the weather more than a couple of days out. And even then it can be a crapshoot. 

The reason for this comes down to something much more akin to living life: variables and information. There are simply too many variables to predict and too much information we’re not able to know. For example, if I knew the direction and velocity of every air particle on Earth, I could give you an accurate weather model. Obviously, this is not possible. So we’re left making educated guesses, working with what we have, and most importantly a social understanding that forecasts are guesses, not gospel. With this understanding comes a grace--sometimes annoyance--but a grace for being wrong. An ‘it’s out of our hands’ amenableness that wonderfully conflicts with the modern American desire for planning, preparation, and predictability. 

What Can We Do?

So often we try to plan for every eventuality, scrutinizing the details, languishing in an anxious mire of a desire for control, only to see our plans crash into a Martian hillside, due to an unforeseen variable. 

Often, the anxious try to view life with such a level of predictability. Hopes that the world will fit into plans and preparations, only to be disappointed when something unaccounted for goes awry. Often times this desire for control flows into our lives as a nagging generalized anxiety, a worry for all things in an effort to be prepared for every outcome. We wish life were as predictable as space travel. As oxymoronic as it sounds, going about our day may be more complicated than rocket science. And we tell ourselves that the stakes are just as high. 

As mentioned in regards to weather, the secret lies in the ability to tolerate the ambiguity of an uncertain system. We can be disappointed with an inaccurate weather report, but continue on to the next day. Yes it can suck when it rains when the news said it wouldn’t, but we don’t hold ourselves responsible for the outcome. In our own lives, we can place an enormous amount of responsibility on ourselves, often for things not in our control. We can assault ourselves with a barrage of ‘should have planned for it’ , ‘should have seen it coming’, or ‘should have done it differently’. All of which are the equivalent of looking at Tuesday’s weather and telling yourself you should’ve known that on Monday. 

Maybe we can have the same grace for the weatherperson, AND with ourselves. If we get it wrong, be disappointed for a bit, be annoyed, but let it go. Tomorrow is another day to try again. If we find ourselves feeling anxious about the ambiguity of life, rather than try to think out the outcomes, what if we gave ourselves permission to feel anxious for a bit? Feeling anxious about the ambiguity of every day is not a failing, but rather an admission to one’s self that we don’t have enough information. And instead of punishing ourselves for trying to know something we can’t, maybe we can have a little grace with ourselves, and remember the weatherperson. 

The Trap of Anxiety and Trauma

By Concentric Owner Jennifer Larson, LCPC, NCC

Driving my car in my early adult years filled me with freedom and curiosity. Didn’t matter if I was driving by myself, on city streets, highways or traversing the deserts of Arizona, I loved driving. Toggling between radio stations to find the right tune, opening up the windows to feel the fresh air hitting my face and throwing my hair around, hanging out with my thoughts, or being mesmerized by the pink and purple hues of Arizona’s sunsets were met and felt with ease, peace, and freedom. Fast forward several years later, and my experience of driving catapults me into feelings and sensations of feeling trapped and crippled by anxiety, panic attacks, and at times, dissociation.

To read the entire blog post on the Anxiety Relief Project’s website, please click here.

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Let's Talk About Complex Trauma

By Concentric Counselor Jordan Perlman, LPC, NCC

I imagine many people have heard of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) but not nearly as many are familiar with Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) which is lesser-known and unfortunately, not yet recognized in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders Fifth Edition (DSM-V). And while an individual with a PTSD diagnosis, which is often the result of an isolated incident, a person who experienced complex or repeated traumas requires different considerations.

But first, it’s important to understand the differences between each:

PTSD

According to the DSM-V, PTSD is diagnosed when an individual meets the following criteria that create distress or functional impairment last more than one month, which is not a result of medication, substance use, or other illness. The individual was exposed to one of the following: 

  • Death or threatened death 

  • Actual or threatened serious injury

  • Actual or threatened sexual violence 

  • Witnessing trauma

  • Learning that a relative or close friend was exposed to trauma 

Indirect exposure to aversive details of the trauma (usually in the course of professional duties), the individual must have at least one intrusive symptom that causes the persistent re-experience of the trauma in the following ways:

  • Nightmares

  • Flashbacks

  • Emotional distress after exposure to traumatic reminders

  • Physical reactivity after exposure to traumatic reminders

The individual must also experience avoidance of trauma-related stimuli after trauma either by trauma-related thoughts or feelings, or trauma-related external reminders.

Two negative alterations in cognitions and mood must be present where the negative thoughts or feelings began or worsened after trauma in the following ways:

  • Inability to recall key features of the trauma

  • Overly negative thoughts and assumptions about oneself or the world

  • Exaggerated blame of self or others for causing trauma

  • Negative affect

  • Decreased interest in activities

  • Feeling isolated

  • Difficulty experiencing positive affect

 Lastly, there must be alterations in trauma-related arousal and reactivity that began or worsened after trauma in the following ways: 

  • Irritability or aggression

  • Risky or destructive behavior

  • Hypervigilance

  • Heightened startle reaction

  • Difficulty concentrating

  • Difficulty sleeping

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 C-PTSD

Trauma typically associated with C-PTSD tends to be long-term, where the individual is generally held in a state of captivity, physically or emotionally. In these situations, the victim under the control of the perpetrator has little or no chance to get away or escape from the danger. Some examples might include:

  • Long-term domestic violence

  • Long-term child physical and/or sexual abuse

  • Neglect

  • Organized exploitation rings

  • Concentration/Prisoner-of-War Camps

  • Prostitution brothels

  • Recruitment into armed conflict as a child

  • Sex trafficking or slave trade

  • Experiencing torture

  • Exposure to genocide campaigns

  • Other forms of organized violence

Some might be wondering, why is this difference important then? This is because of exposure to long-term or prolonged or repeated trauma results in a broad range of symptoms that go beyond the diagnostic criteria of PTSD, a.k.a “simple” PTSD.  As such, the basic symptoms of C-PTSD are:

  • Somatization (physical problems, associated pain, and functional limitations)

  • Dissociation (a division of the personality into one component that attempts to function in the everyday world and another that regresses and is fixed in the trauma, spacing out, daydreaming, or feeling strong sensations of being disconnected from one self or the world)

  • Affect Dysregulation (difficulty with emotions, such as experiencing and/or expressing them, alteration in impulse control, attention and consciousness

  • Self-Perception (experience of their own perspective tends to be drastically different from how others perceive them)

  • Interpersonal Relationships (tend to be a struggle, difficulty with engaging with others, feeling distrustful of others)

  • Perception of Perpetrators (can be skewed, or longing to be loved by their abuser)

  • Systems of Meaning (doubt there is any goodness in the world, outlook on life can be dark)

Further, a 2018 study by Karatzias et al. found the most important factor in the diagnosis of C-PTSD was negative cognitions about the self, characterized by a “generalized negative view about the self and one’s trauma symptoms; attachment anxiety which is defined as involving a fear of interpersonal rejection or abandonment and/or distress if one’s partner is unresponsive or unavailable; and expressive suppression, conveyed by efforts to hide, inhibit, or reduce emotional expression.”

For those who may wonder why people affected by a long-term trauma “can’t just get over it,” the answer lies in the fact that even after a person is removed from the event, their brain may be permanently affected by that intense and prolonged trauma. And since a person’s nervous system is shaped by his or her experiences, stress and trauma over time, can lead to changes in the parts of the brain that control and manage feelings and the long-term effects are found on a physical and emotional level.  

Symptoms may manifest as:

  • Eating disorders

  • Substance abuse

  • Alcoholism

  • Promiscuity

  • Chronic pain

  • Cardiovascular and gastrointestinal problems

  • Migraines

  • Rage displayed through violence, destruction of property, or theft

  • Depression, denial, fear of abandonment, thoughts of suicide, anger issues

  • Flashbacks, memory repression, dissociation

  • Shame, guilt, focusing on wanting revenge

  • Low self-esteem, panic attacks, self-loathing

  • Perfectionism, blaming others instead of dealing with the situation, selective memory

  • Loss of faith in humanity, distrust, isolation, inability to form close personal relationships

Special Considerations for Survivors of C-PTSD from Childhood 

Many survivors of C-PTSD also experience Attachment Disorder which is a huge consequence of individuals who suffered complex trauma as children. Attachment Disorder is the result of a person growing up with primary caregivers who were regularly dangerous. Recurring abuse and neglect habituate children living in fear and sympathetic nervous system arousal, which over time creates them an easily triggerable abandonment mélange of overwhelming fear, shame, and depression. 

Because a child’s main attachment (to their primary caregiver) helps them learn to control their emotions and thoughts, when a caregiver’s responses are in tune with a child’s needs, the child feels secure. The child then uses this relationship pattern as a practice to build coping skills.

However, children who receive prolonged confusing or inconsistent responses from their primary caregiver are prone to be fussy, have a hard time calming down, may often withdraw from others and may have frequent tantrums. Unlike adults who have more tools to understand what is happening to them, children often do not possess these skills or have the ability to separate themselves from another’s unconscionable actions. Consequently, the resulting psychological and developmental implications become complexly woven and spun into who that child believes themselves to be, thereby creating a messy web of core beliefs that are harder to untangle than the flashbacks, nightmares and other posttraumatic symptoms that may surface later. Further, these disorganized attachments and mixed messages from those who are supposed to provide love, comfort, and safety - all in the periphery of extreme trauma - can create even more unique struggles that PTSD-sufferers alone don't always face.

Treatment Considerations 

While the symptoms can be daunting and the future seems bleak for someone who appears to be suffering from C-PTSD regardless of whether an individual has been diagnosed with a trauma-related disorder or not, there is help out there and there are ways to manage and help the individual cope. 

Treatment challenges include, Survivors:

  • Avoiding thinking and talking about trauma-related topics because the feelings associated with the trauma are often overwhelming

  • Relying on alcohol or other substances as a way to avoid and numb feelings and thoughts related to trauma

  • Engaging in self-mutilation and other forms of self-harm

  • Who have been abused repeatedly are sometimes mistaken as having a “weak character” or unjustly blamed for the symptoms they experience as a result of victimization and often have comorbid disorders such as dissociative identity disorder (DID), other specified dissociative disorder (OSDD), borderline personality disorder (BPD), depressive or bipolar disorders, anxiety disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorders, eating disorders, and substance abuse

Since many trauma specialists see Attachment Disorder as one of the key symptoms of C-PTSD, a relational, individual, approach will often be most beneficial for many of these clients. For many survivors, therapy is the first opportunity to have a safe and nurturing relationship.  Therefore, the therapist must be especially skilled to create the degree of safety that is needed to build trust or risk adding to the attachment trauma. Working with these clients is essential to the development of trust and relational healing and the four key qualities are empathy, authentic vulnerability, dialogically (when two people move fluidly and interchangeable between speaking and listening) and collaborative relationship repair. This makes therapy a teamwork approach where there is mutual brainstorming and problem-solving in a respectful way implying mutuality. All of these steps will provide the client with a “good enough secure attachment” to serve as a model for other relationships. 

However, and as expected, there is no “one size fits all” approach to working with individuals who have survived trauma, but one thing is for certain: recovery from Complex PTSD requires restoration of control and power for the traumatized person. Survivors can become empowered by healing relationships which create safety, allow for remembrance and mourning, and promote reconnection with everyday life. 

If you feel as though you have experienced complex trauma, it is important to know what happened to you was not your fault. While it is undeniable trauma changes the way we experience the world, I strongly believe like a phoenix, a person who suffered from trauma can arise from the ashes, stronger than ever before. This “stronger than ever before” is also known as “Post-Traumatic Growth.” Post-Traumatic Growth identifies a shift in personal strength and worldview as a consequence of trauma. Although you can’t change it, you can change what your life looks like going forward. One step you can take towards recovery is calling to schedule an appointment with a therapist who can help guide and support you on your healing journey. 

The Value of Vulnerability

By Concentric Counselor Christian Younginer, LPC, NCC

Life XXXV by Emily Dickinson

I CAN wade grief,

Whole pools of it,—

I ’m used to that.

But the least push of joy

Breaks up my feet,         5

And I tip—drunken.

Let no pebble smile,

’T was the new liquor,—

That was all!  

Power is only pain,         10

Stranded, through discipline,

Till weights will hang.

Give balm to giants,

And they ’ll wilt, like men.

Give Himmaleh,—         15

They ’ll carry him!

Emily Dickinson’s word choice in the first line sticks with me- she can “wade” grief. She can trudge through the thick, tarry mire of sadness, pain, loss, and sorrow. It really feels like that, doesn’t it? This viscous bog of grief, she’s “used to that”. It’s familiar for her. But joy is foreign. 

Although she can bear the pain of life, let life surprise her with joy and she will stumble, drunkenly. This voices a common human experience: Let something test our resolve, and we will meet that challenge. But let us be vulnerable, and we will dissolve.

It is easier to harden, than to soften. Give comfort and love to giants, and they will “wilt” into ordinary men, but ask them to carry mountains (‘Himmaleh’ is the archaic form of ‘the Himalayas’), and they will offer up themselves.

This brings us to the question of this post: How does a person allow themselves to be vulnerable, without wilting? How do they remain resilient when life gets hard, without hardening themselves?

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What is vulnerability?

The insightful Brené Brown defines vulnerability as both “the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy and creativity”, but also as “uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure” (Daring Greatly). So, our options are: recoil at the latter and tell ourselves we don’t need the former OR accept the latter because we accept that we need the former.

There were times in my life where I clung to the idea that ‘ I don’t need others’- to avoid feeling exposed. That idea eventually spoiled, and I was faced with the reality that I DO need others. While I was aware of the fact, I had not yet accepted it. It was not until I accepted that I need others that my journey towards understanding vulnerability began.

Being vulnerable feels like the difference between writing in the 3rd person and 1st person. It is keeping others at a distance, to avoid the pain of feeling exposed- of not being accepted. If you notice, I switched from using “they” and “them” to “I” and “we”. As I wrote, I noticed feeling exposed, but I also noticed feeling satisfied with my self-awareness and honesty. That is, I felt joy in sharing this part of myself so that it might be of help to someone. It is this ‘trade-off’ that I believe Brené Brown is describing. If we can be ok with feeling a little exposed, we can receive wonderful gifts of acceptance, approval, validation, and love.

The Alternative.

In my pursuit of understanding vulnerability, I came to a choice. Would I rather feel uncomfortable or alone? My choice to embrace vulnerability and accept the possible “emotional exposure”, speaks to not only my desire for connection with others, but to the horror of the alternative: feeling alone. Jumping from a burning building does not mean that jumping is not scary, rather the alternative is too horrifying to consider.

Resilience.

What I am suggesting almost seems oxymoronic: Become vulnerable to become stronger. Invulnerability is not a superpower. Unless Superman exists and no one told me. Rather, accepting that we need others is the true superpower. One powerful result of letting ourselves connect is resilience. That is, if we temper ourselves in the furnace of vulnerability, we become stronger than we were. This is possible due to what Brené Brown references as the gifts of vulnerability: love, belonging, joy, courage, and empathy. Having these in our arsenal make us stronger humans, less prone to burnout and emotional distress.

Let us learn to enjoy the intoxicating effects of joy and not let it cause us to stumble. Carry the mountain if asked, because you are strong enough to shoulder it. But also do not wilt at receiving comfort or help. If we accept that we not only need others for support, but also that they have gifts to offer us, we become stronger. More resilient to carry the mountains when we need to and more courageous to be vulnerable when we just can’t carry anything else. It is the courage and strength to say: “ I’m not ok right now. But I will be.”

Finding Balance Between Healthy and Unhealthy Anxiety

By Concentric Counselor Charles Weiss, LPC

There are 10 seconds left of the clock in the state championship game and your team is down by 2 points.  You have the ball and the fate of the team is in your hands on what will you do next, either pass or take the game winning shot.  Sweat is protruding down your face, your heart is beating a thousand miles a hour, your mind is racing with a million and one different case scenarios on what you should do and then your anxiety starts to take over.  However, you realized that your anxiety has allowed you to think quicker on your feet and make better decisions, because you don’t let it control and consume you.  3, 2, 1 and throw up a prayer of shot from about 35 feet away from the basket, knowing that being vulnerable to your anxiety, you can live with the consequences…  Swish!  Game over and you have just won the state championship for your team.

Anxiety… What is it and what does to mean to us when it begins to take control; do we let it control our consciousness or embrace it as an opportunity of growth and self-discovery?  According to dictionary.com, anxiety is defined as “a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.”

When outcomes are uncertain to us in which we want to control, but can’t, anxiety can consume our every decision, thought and feeling.  It leads to panic, fear and vulnerability to the unknown, having us over-analyze every decision we make, postulating those “what if” scenarios.  Anxiety can so debilitating to someone when it’s severe and impacts our day-to-day activities.  Plain and simple, anxiety can suck!  Nobody wants to constantly live a life of panic, fear, worry and dread, wondering all the time, “What if?” When you let anxiety take control and inhibit your ability to just be “you”, it becomes unhealthy.

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Is there a way to gain back that control over anxiety before it begins to consume us, crippling our sense of self and being vulnerable to “What if…?”  Anxiety is your body’s indication that something isn’t right, like a built-in warning system indicating that your homeostasis might be out of balance.  When we listen to our body as it talks to us and yes, our body does speak to us, you can begin to prepare and embrace for its impact and figure out how to manage it. Certain symptoms to be mindful of that can alert us when something “isn’t right” and anxiety begins to manifest itself within us, are the following:

·        Racing thoughts

·        Irritability

·        Headaches

·        Nausea/upset stomach

·        Disturbed sleep

·        Muscle tension/tightness

·        Shortness of breath

·        Mind going blank

·        Difficulty concentrating/focusing

·        Fatigued

·        Palpitations

When we are able to listen to these symptoms we experience, then we can to things to keep these symptoms in check before they exacerbate. Taking the time to do a body scan, deep breathing exercises, mindfulness exercises, progressive muscle relaxation techniques can all help keep the heightened level of anxiety at bay.

Can anxiety be healthy?

Anxiety can also be a way to motivate yourself to reach your goals and achievements that you have established.  It can better help prepare yourself to face as well as overcome challenges. When we approach anxiety as a hindrance, it can become unhealthy. You can instead capitalize on it as more of a way to inspire your self-growth and to live a more authentic life.  According to Katharina Star, Ph.D., anxiety is another way people can be more empathetic towards other people’s issues and concerns, and help with how they interact with others. She also stated that individuals who struggle with anxiety are often more cautious thinkers, problem solvers and decision makers because they are often building-in “back-up plans” for when things go wrong. 

Bottom line, anxiety isn’t always bad and unhealthy when individuals experience it, it can be a way people thrive if they are able to recognize it, understand it, and know how to cope and properly channel the healthy aspects of it. People can still live fully authentic lives when experiencing anxiety, it’s when it takes control and we begin to panic, that derails aspects of our lives.

If you are experiencing at least 3 symptoms of anxiety, that have been affecting your ability to function on a day-to-day basis in a variety of settings (i.e.: school, work, home) and those symptoms have been occurring for at least 6 months in which you find it very difficult to control that worry and anxiety, please contact your local mental health provider and schedule an appointment with a professional who can help you learn how to regain control over your anxiety and transform it into a healthier form of anxiety for you. 

Asking for Help - Not Waving but Drowning

By Concentric Counselor Christian Younginer, LPC, NCC

Not Waving but Drowning

By STEVIE SMITH

Nobody heard him, the dead man,   

But still he lay moaning:

I was much further out than you thought   

And not waving but drowning.

Poor chap, he always loved larking

And now he’s dead

It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way,   

They said.

Oh, no no no, it was too cold always   

(Still the dead one lay moaning)   

I was much too far out all my life   

And not waving but drowning.

I believe this poem verbalizes well a common societal pressure. That is, the need to be happy externally, even if drowning internally. As we go through our day, met with multiple “How’s it going?”, we invariably are trained to answer “fine” or “great”, without the slightest thought. The question we’re left with is: how would anyone know I’m drowning, when I always give them a friendly wave?

Asking for help can be deceptively difficult. Frequently I hear from clients that asking for help shows weakness, or is shameful, or too vulnerable. So, we strengthen our resolve, buckle down, and soldier on at the expense of our wellness and happiness. We become run down, exhausted, and deflated. Imagine a balloon trying to remain the same size, while its air slowly leaks. We receive messages from our families of origin, our employers, and consumer culture that tell us to harden. But the harder we get, the more brittle we become. Rather than naming our need for help, we’re now drowning with work, emotions, schedules, and isolation. 

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Ultimately, this issue of asking for help comes down to a person’s struggle with taking care of themselves. Wellness, self-care, asking for help, boundary setting, etc all live in the same neighborhood: taking care of the self. A former supervisor of mine offered this metaphor:

You board an airplane, take your seat, and the flight attendant begins the safety protocols speech. They get to the section on the oxygen mask. They say, ‘please secure your own mask before attempting to assist anyone else.”

Why is that? Well, you can’t help anyone if you’re dead. The same concept applies here, albeit with less grim consequences. How can we expect to function, let alone help others, when we run ourselves ragged?

To return to the topic at hand, one way of taking care of the self is asking for help. Seeking therapy is a form of this. I often name the courage it takes for a client to find a therapist. As we know, it’s hard to find help for ourselves- especially for our mental health. As if the unfortunate stigma isn’t enough, busy schedules and work demands can get in the way. If therapy is two steps too far for you, there are smaller ways to open ourselves to the help of others.

We don’t have to instantly open up and adopt this idea. Rather we can take smaller steps that feel safer. For example, if we have created a default answer of “fine” when asked “how are you?” by random people, then that may have filtered into closer relationships. Those relationships where it may feel safer saying “Actually, I’m struggling.” So, what if we remove the automatic ‘fine’ from our vocabulary? Rather, when asked by a close friend or family member, “how are you?”, we take that question for what it is: an out-stretched hand to a drowning person.

 I think it is unfair to view this poem as an indictment of those who misread the author’s anguish. Rather, I believe it is a call to stop waving when we’re drowning. To let those looking out for our safety, save us. Only from this place of moaning, cold death does the author finally feel safe saying she was much too far out all of her life. If only we, the onlookers, knew this we could’ve helped.

 It is ok to feel you’re too far out. It is ok to feel like you’re drowning. There are those who want to help us, but only if we let them. When we don’t ask for help, we deny our friends and family the gift of being able to help someone they love.