Ask The Therapist? My Spouse Won't Talk to Me - What To Do as We Go Through a Divorce?

By Concentric Counselor Jennifer Larson, LCPC, NCC

I'm going through a divorce.  My spouse is avoiding all communication.  How can I get my spouse to engage in conversation regarding proceeding with the divorce, splitting assets and beginning the paperwork?

Going through a divorce is one of most stressful events for people to go through.  It sounds as though you are willing and ready to communicate about certain aspects of the divorce process (e.g. legal), and your spouse is not. Your spouse's reluctance to communicate to you could stem from a variety of reasons, such as not feeling the same way about divorce as you or not ready to confront and deal with certain hardships that go with divorce.  

For instance, if you were the one who wanted and initiated the divorce, you may be more eager to get things moving along.  It's possible your spouse may be still processing the divorce, feeling more connected and in touch with his/her feelings about the demise of the relationship (versus wanting to think about and start preparing and planning the divorce).  Also, it could be your spouse's way of gaining control or making you sweat and stew if the decision was not mutual or if other events occurred in the marriage that may have led to divorcing (e.g. infidelity).  Possibly your spouse has had a long-standing history of struggling with engaging in communication.

Your question is more related to "How Can I Get My Spouse to Engage...?  Without knowing your and your spouse's details and how long this has been going on, I can give you some information to think about that I hope will be helpful.   

1.  How is your approach when trying to engage your spouse?  It is difficult for you to manage your emotions, thoughts, or behaviors with your spouse?  Try to be mindful of these areas, such as paying attention to your tone, delivery, non-verbal behaviors, and choice of words you use.    

2.  How realistic are you with your timeline?  For instance, if the two of you just separated or if either one of you just expressed wanting a divorce, you may need to sit a little more and be patient with the next steps.  Engaging in support of friends and those you trust (maybe a divorce support group) during the 'waiting' periods is important self-care.  

3.  It's important to convey on some level empathy, respect and mindfulness (as difficult as it may be to do).  An example would be to express that you are mindful that s/he may not be feeling the same way or you recognize there are differences in how the both of you are approaching the divorce.  

4.  Share your position effectively with your spouse, such as I am ready and willing to discuss the legal parts of divorcing, and ask or invite your spouse to talk about this with you.  You can ask when your spouse will be willing and ready to talk about starting the paperwork.  Can the two of you agree to a time by meeting in the middle?  

5.  If you are engaging in these steps and your spouse is stonewalling you, you can offer professional assistance to help the both of you, such as speaking to a therapist, counselor, a divorce mediator.  

6.  If all of these steps have been exhausted, then your next best bet is to consult with a divorce and family law attorney about his/her ideas about how to handle communication, and the overall process and steps proceeding with a divorce.  For some, it may be best for your and your spouse's attorneys to handle the communication versus you and your soon-to-be ex partner.    

Again, going through a divorce is one of life's most difficult challenges with typically ups and downs for most people.  Give yourself time and space to go through the process, and be sure to engage in good self-care during this time.  Remember, we cannot make or demand a person to engage, but we can most certainly increase our chances of engagement by controlling and modifying our process and approach.  

Should I Stay or Should I Go? After the Affair

By Concentric Counselor Jennifer Larson, LCPC, NCC

You have discovered or have been told that your partner has been having an affair.  You’ve been hit by a ton of bricks engulfed by a tsunami of emotions ranging from anger, resentment, wanting to seek revenge to sadness, despair and helplessness.  One of the first questions that may arise is “Should I stay or should I go?”  While the answer is there and is different for everyone, you may not have an immediate answer or you unequivocally have the answer and are already in the height of your action plan.  Whether you do not know the answer or are in overdrive planning every detail of your action plan, let me suggest hitting the pause button and consider these steps.    

1. Do not make any immediate decisions regarding your marriage.  You are experiencing one of life’s most devastating and traumatic events which flood you with emotional intensity overriding judgment and reasoning.  Acting now may entail regrets later.  Remember your relationship with your spouse and family has developed over time.  Your marriage and children are one of your biggest life’s investments which warrant time to determine this important decision and its lifelong impact.  

2. Experience your feelings and sit with your values.  Experience your feelings as they arise.   Take note of how your upbringing, values, or religious beliefs may play a role in figuring out what to do.  Grab a journal and write it all out.  

3. Talk with those you trust.  You will want to obtain support from others.  Select a few people you truly trust.  Telling everyone can be very damaging by creating more confusion and chaos.  Not to mention, if you and your spouse decide to stay together, some family and friends may not be able to recover and re-integrate into your family.  

4. Begin a self-care program.  Taking care of yourself is vital to your well-being during this time.  Tune into the basics, such as a getting adequate sleep, eating a healthy, balanced diet, and exercising.  You may want to shift your focus by picking up a hobby or enrolling in a fun class. 

5. Remain committed to other areas of your life.  Continue to be present by focusing on your children, going to work, and taking care of your household.

6. Confront your spouse. Find the appropriate time and environment to ask your spouse general questions about the affair.  Do not engage in ‘pain shopping’ by demanding nitty-gritty details that will only be more traumatic. 

7. Become educated.  Read some books about infidelity and begin to understand the various contributing factors that can lead to infidelity.  

8. Get counseling and therapy.  Meet with an individual therapist for guidance and support during this time especially given the risk of depression and anxiety.  Seeking couples therapy will be important if the goals are to explore and understand the contributing factors to the infidelity; to repair, heal, and rebuild the marriage; or to transition to separation and divorce.   

9. Consult with a lawyer.  You may want to obtain general information about your rights and the legal process. 

10.  Do we tell our children?  Infidelity does affect children.  There is no hard and fast answer to this question.  It depends on various factors, some include the type of infidelity, whether children know or are at risk of discovering, age of children, and whether parents remain together or divorce.  A therapist can guide parents as to what to and what not to share based on these factors.  

Experiencing unfaithfulness in marriage is one of the most crushing experiences a person can go through.  Engaging in these steps will help you get through the pain in the best way possible with integrity.  They can also help you gain greater insight and awareness into your marriage and determine the answer and the best course of action for you and your family.

Struggling with Infertility?

By Jennifer Larson, LCPC, NCC

It seems that so many women and men struggle with infertility.  There are so many contributing reasons and one of them is that people are having children later in life.  While there are many upsides to starting a marriage and family later in the life, there are most certainly some hurdles and struggles for some -- infertility and the difficulty in getting pregnant.  Fortunately there are many options out there to create a family, but do not be fooled, it's not always an easy feat or journey. 

Concentric offers compassion, empathy, and guidance during your journey.  Please let us help.